Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything. I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.
Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?
Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.
And this is what I came up with:
Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that.
Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.
I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.
But what can I do about it?
Nothing.
So I should just stop complaining, right?
Probably.
I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.
I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.
I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:
I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:
