Maybe I'm Stronger Than I Think I Am?

Welcome back, dear friends.

First of all, I feel like I have been in school for a million years. Really it's only been a few months, but the days are SO LONG that it seems to go on forever. If I were in regular college, I don't think I could FUNCTION knowing that I had another 4 years of this. Anatomy is destroying me.I thought I had a good handle on it, but then we started muscles. After the last few lessons, I literally just want to hide in a corner and cry.

^^ That's me after my anatomy class.

LITERALLY.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We only have school 3 days a week now! 4 days a week was getting to be a bit overwhelming. I also gave my sister the first full-body massage I've done outside school today. I'm pretty sure I did okay by school standards. It's hard to remember everything when I'm learning a million things at once. Not really stoked about clinic for that reason. And the fact that they expect us to give 5 massages straight on our first day.

Anyway, moving on to happier things. I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that Fall is approaching. For those who know me well, this may come as a shock on account of:

I hate the cold. 

No need to fret, this fact is still as true as ever. But there's something about this fall that has me yearning for it to come faster. Just think of all the amazing things that only this time of year can bring! The smell of pumpkin/citrus/spice in stores and homes, the leaves turning brilliant shades of orange and yellow, busting out adorable sweaters, wrapping up in plushy, warm blankets and snuggling up with a loved one (or a good book, your computer, or mug of hot cocoa in front of the TV, for those of us whose loved ones are far away.), going to corn mazes or shopping "villages" which have been transformed into a magical autumn wonderland... Not to mention that after my first severely uncomfortable summer in garments, I am ready for not-so-hot weather.

Of course, one of the most obvious reasons I am stoked about Fall is that it means the half way point of Caleb's deployment is almost here! Even though it will only be half over, there's something about knowing that we're halfway there that makes me stronger. 

It's like going on a hike to the top of a mountain. The hardest part is getting to the top, and you're really proud of yourself when you get there, even though you're really only half way to the end of your journey! You've still gotta climb back down, right? But we all know that the climb down is easier. I guess that's kind of how I feel. I made it though one half, and for some reason I feel like that will make the second half easier.

Speaking of the deployment, I have good news to share with you. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm kinda proud of myself. Despite the fact that I'm PMSing a fair bit, I haven't had any hardcore sad days in a while. I'm taking this by the horns right now and totally rocking it. I know I won't stay this way forever, but I am relishing it while I can. I'm not depressed! I'm not miserable! I still hate that he's gone (and still dislike the army QUITE a bit), mind you. But I'm at a good place with the deployment, emotionally. 

Maybe it's because the halfway point is coming up.

Maybe it's because I'm in such a good mood due to Fall's arrival.

And maybe it's because I'm so consumed with hatred for my life when I'm sitting in anatomy that I've used up my quota, and I don't have any more hatred left for my day-to-day life. (Is everyone understanding how I feel about anatomy? Sometimes I don't know if I'm expressing it adequately.)

My point is that I'm turning out to be handling this a lot better than I thought I could. Maybe it's just a phase, but at least I have these peaceful times to get me by when the storm rages and I can't live without him again. I am so grateful for the strength I am finding in myself. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there- and that's the important part!

Friends and Ranger School- Maybe...

So, life has been crazy for a little while. I got home and sort of adjusted. I've been in massage therapy school for two weeks now and it's pretty cool. I've made some friends, two in particular, who make it even better. I see Kayla and Steve almost every day, which is actually the best part of having started school. I mean, I know it's good that I'm in school, (and I'll admit that it's not as bad as I thought it would be.) but the fact that I've made friends that I can connect with so quickly and so well has really made it great.

The only downside to school so far is that I'm DREADING anatomy. I don't want to learn about the gross insides of the human body. If I had wanted to do that, I would be studying at a real collage to be a nurse or one of those people who dissect dead bodies.

Gross.

 Especially since Kayla has already taken anatomy twice, and I am usually the target of her distracting habits, I am almost scared that I'm going to fail. haha

My and Caleb's first anniversary came and went on the 27th of July. What I thought was going to be a miserable day of loneliness and missing my husband turned out to be great. My mom found a little SLC temple charm and gave it to me in the morning as a reminder of the happiness, rather than focusing on the emptiness. Caleb then called me and we had an amazing chat. I love that he was able to call, even though he hadn't been able to a lot that week. Goll, I love him. 

So. Freaking. Much.

(As a side note, I had this really awesome blanket made for him as an anniversary gift. I went on walmart.com and put a ton of pictures of us on it, and it was GIGANTIC. I wish I had taken a picture of it before I sent it to him. Just believe me when I say it was CRAZY AWESOME.)

Later that day, my dad took me to lunch at this little place close to his work. I loved that we got to spend that daddy-daughter time together like that. We don't get that as often as I'd like, so it was really special. Then he took me back to his work to introduce me to a girl my age he had just hired onto his team. Her name is Bethany and she is adorable. We spent the rest of the entire night chatting and laughing. She distracted me from what might have been a very difficult night. 

These little blessings mean more than I can describe to you, and there's a possibility that you won't understand unless you've been in my situation. Let it just stand to say that it is SO important and means the world to me.

I also got a calling as a Sunbeam teacher. Not much to say about that, other than that I get to hang out with a bunch of little kids every Sunday. Not the worst calling ever, but I've never taught before. According to their remarks today, I'm pretty sure that as long as I bring treats, this is going to be no sweat.

So here comes the interesting part, I suppose. I know the last two posts have been very negative, so I'm going to try and make this one not so much.

"Try" is the key word here.

I'd be lying if I said that it's gotten easier. Well, sort of. the fact that I'm with Kayla and Steve so much DEFINITELY helps. Not to mention that Caleb has made an effort to call me more, which has meant everything. But it doesn't change that he's gone of course, or that I still hate going to bed without him. So naturally, I still am running into super hard days. Not gonna lie, today was one of them. But thanks to the fact that I have such great friends and family, and the fact that Caleb is being such a great husband, the pain isn't as frequent. And that's the whole point of me coming home, really.

Altho, something we (Caleb and I) have been talking about recently has made me super unhappy. He wants to go to Ranger school after his deployment is over. That means he'd be gone for a little over two months longer than planned. Which means that the idea which has assisted me in keeping my sanity (you know, the one where I tell myself, "At least he won't be gone for a full year. It's just 9 months.") will no longer be valid. I will no longer have that to hold onto, and it's a little crushing. He says that if he's a ranger then he won't be deployed for as long (only 6 months, supposedly) and that they don't necessarily deploy more. I don't know how true that is. All I know is that it means he WILL be gone for a whole year, and this just deployment just got that much worse.

However, the one thing that gives me solace is the possibility of him only having to be deployed for 6 months. Obviously, if Sairah had her way, he wouldn't deploy at all, and we'd live happily ever after running some surf shop on a remote beach in Costa Rica. But I guess if I *HAVE* to deal with this evil, it might as well be for less time. (But let's be honest, Costa Rica is clearly the more awesome option.)

 So, friends. If you're stuck with me for almost 3 months longer than I've been telling you, blame Caleb. Another thought that just occurred to me is that this would mean 3 months less of living in Germany. I'm definitely not going to complain about that. This is sounding more and more appealing as I think about it. I'm tempted to officially give him my permission to do this. haha

Anyway, here's to you (yes, you) and the fantastic support I'm getting from everyone here at home. Thanks for putting up with me and being such wonderful friends. I love you guys.

Cheers. ♥