Finally Together Again

A year ago today (June 22nd), my husband left for an almost 10 month deployment in Afghanistan.

Read the post from that day here:
http://sairahaight.blogspot.de/2012/06/day-i-hoped-would-never-come.html

It was arguably one of the worst days of my life. The months that followed (as documented in my other blogs) definitely were like unto a roller coaster. This post will be the highlights, low-lights, and life lessons that came into my life because of this deployment.

At my lowest, I was MISERABLE. I felt like I was a terrible wife. I hated everyone and everything that had anything to do with Caleb having to leave me. I ESPECIALLY hated the army. I just wanted to curl into a ball and die- to give up on life and effort. During the times he couldn't talk to me, I was extra anxious and panic-y. I would think crazy thoughts about catching a plane to Afghanistan because I COULD NOT take the separation any longer. It didn't help that this was our second long-term separation. I was angry at God for putting me with the most wonderful man I had ever met, but then constantly taking him away from me.

Easily some of the most depressing days of my life happened in those 10 months.

At my highest, I was happy with what I chose to do with myself during the separation (massage school), having a good time with my friends and family, and soaking up all the good I could out of whatever I was doing. I had my family supporting me the whole time. While it was hard at times to have moved back in with my family, I loved the extra time I got to spend with them. I met great new friends, and spent quality time with old ones. I loved what I learned at school and loved the people I learned from and with. I am really glad I ended up choosing to do massage therapy school. The time seemed to drag on forever as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have anything to do. Plus, not only did I occupy my time with something positive, I now have a career I can take with me wherever I go. Definitely one of the better decisions I've made.

Caleb and I still found ways to make our love grow, despite the fact that our marriage had to rely solely on technology. Having a virtual marriage really blows, but when it's the only option you have, you make it work. Distance doesn't HAVE to tear people apart- it only does that if you're not meant to work out anyway. I sent him packages and he sent me gifts. We Skyped on all the major holidays and whenever else he could. We exchanged emails and pictures, he'd leave comments on my Facebook wall or pictures reminding me how much he cared about me, missed me, and loved me. Those little messages meant the entire world to me. They kept me going and would make me smile, even when my day had been awful. He was a lot stronger than I was, but toward the middle he had just as much of a hard time as I did.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I didn't know how I was going to make it. But what other choice did I have than to make it? Looking back, not only did I make it, I'd say that I came out better for it. Not that I am happy it had to happen, but I mean, I could have handled it a lot worse than I did. I mean, I didn't go crazy, I didn't cheat, and we didn't let the distance or stress ruin our marriage. I'd say that makes us pretty successful.

When he got back, I'm not going to lie, it was a little strange. See, out of the year and a half we've been married, only roughly 5 months of that has been spent together. So when he returned home, it was like I was reuniting with an old acquaintance. It didn't feel like I was married to this guy. It's hard to describe, but it was like having to get to know each other all over again. It kind of sucked, because I shouldn't have to feel that way about someone I'm married to.

The next month, however, was great. We took a real honeymoon and had basically the time of our lives. That awkward, "I feel like I don't know you" feeling we both had was gone within a few weeks. We just had to get used to being together again. We went from no time together at all, to not being apart for 24 hours a day, every day- that takes time to adjust to. But we didn't mind and were soon living it up in the beautiful Bahamas. It really did feel like we were newlyweds on our honeymoon.

We've been back in Germany about a month and a half now. Living, shopping, making plans and decisions, and spending time together. Things that get boring quickly for most people, I think. But if there is one thing that being apart has taught me, it is to not take ANYTHING for granted and cherish the little things more. I have a hard time doing things without him now. There is A LOT of time in our relationship that should have been spent together that we need to make up for. I guess there really isn't a way to make up for lost time (I can't exactly just add time to a day to make sure all the minutes we lost get added in again.) other than using the time we have now in a really great way. We are going out and doing fun things on the weekends and taking the time to really enjoy each other.

I love my husband more than ever and I am more happy than anything in the world that I get to be with him again. It's such a sweet feeling to be reunited again, knowing that I'm not going to have to give him up again for a good while. No more moving without me, no more deployment to dread, just he and I finally getting the time together we deserve. Now we can really start our life together, which is something I have been waiting for since July of 2011. It was really hard, but we rocked it. So distance can suck it- we won.

Sweetest victory EVER.

At the Close of the Year the World Was Supposed to End...

I'd say, "It's been a while", but that would be kind of a boring start.

Although, it is true.

So, now we're at 6 months down. These are turbulent times. But that's really how it is being the wife of a deployed soldier. Emotions all over the place. Maybe some aren't as "bipolar" as I am, but it kind of gets crazy. I know that normal wives have bad and good days, so this doesn't sound any different from a normal wife's life. However, when there's a certain level of anxiety in the back of your head at all times (again, above and beyond that of a normal wife's), it makes things a little different.

 It's hard to describe without sounding like I want to be pitied, but the point of this blog is to help others get a glimpse into what it's like being an army wife with a deployed husband. Or at least the "Sairah version" of an army wife with a deployed husband.

So here it is.

Lately, the hardest part has been when I am having a rough day and I know that the only person who can make me feel better is him. I just need him to hold me... but he's not here. That part is still a little difficult to get past. It was way worse at first- I would cry every time I missed him. Now, I really only cry when I'm having a hard day and just wish he could be here to give me a huge hug and cuddle for a while. You'd never guess (nor believe it, because I never did) that it gets better, but it has. The bad days get less bad. Less frequent. I'm happy or at least neutral more of the time.

When we hit the half way mark, it really didn't feel as glorious as I anticipated. It didn't really feel like the landmark I thought it would be. Now, the New Year... That will REALLY feel like a landmark. I will really feel like we've made progress. Only a few more months to wait after that. I feel like knowing this has helped me have more good days recently. We still have a while, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. More motivation to just push through and get it done. It gets easier as the end gets closer. 

Besides a few rough days where I've had to fight the Mood Swing Monster, I have been doing mostly well, actually. Not being in school is making time go twice as slow, so a small part of me can't wait to go back. Planning our trip has made me much cheerier as well. I'm thrilled the world didn't end, because that would have been a depressing waste of time for me.

The update on Caleb is that he has not been able to contact me as much lately due to the fact that he's out doing what he deems "the fun stuff" again. I think everyone can guess how I feel about that. But he's happier than he was before when he was cooped up in the office.

Anyway, that's what's new. This is the countdown thing I've been doing. Just seeing the majority of the "pie" as green is very happy.

 

190. That's quite a big number. Smaller than the number of days we have left, which is the most important part. Cheers.

Maybe I'm Stronger Than I Think I Am?

Welcome back, dear friends.

First of all, I feel like I have been in school for a million years. Really it's only been a few months, but the days are SO LONG that it seems to go on forever. If I were in regular college, I don't think I could FUNCTION knowing that I had another 4 years of this. Anatomy is destroying me.I thought I had a good handle on it, but then we started muscles. After the last few lessons, I literally just want to hide in a corner and cry.

^^ That's me after my anatomy class.

LITERALLY.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We only have school 3 days a week now! 4 days a week was getting to be a bit overwhelming. I also gave my sister the first full-body massage I've done outside school today. I'm pretty sure I did okay by school standards. It's hard to remember everything when I'm learning a million things at once. Not really stoked about clinic for that reason. And the fact that they expect us to give 5 massages straight on our first day.

Anyway, moving on to happier things. I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that Fall is approaching. For those who know me well, this may come as a shock on account of:

I hate the cold. 

No need to fret, this fact is still as true as ever. But there's something about this fall that has me yearning for it to come faster. Just think of all the amazing things that only this time of year can bring! The smell of pumpkin/citrus/spice in stores and homes, the leaves turning brilliant shades of orange and yellow, busting out adorable sweaters, wrapping up in plushy, warm blankets and snuggling up with a loved one (or a good book, your computer, or mug of hot cocoa in front of the TV, for those of us whose loved ones are far away.), going to corn mazes or shopping "villages" which have been transformed into a magical autumn wonderland... Not to mention that after my first severely uncomfortable summer in garments, I am ready for not-so-hot weather.

Of course, one of the most obvious reasons I am stoked about Fall is that it means the half way point of Caleb's deployment is almost here! Even though it will only be half over, there's something about knowing that we're halfway there that makes me stronger. 

It's like going on a hike to the top of a mountain. The hardest part is getting to the top, and you're really proud of yourself when you get there, even though you're really only half way to the end of your journey! You've still gotta climb back down, right? But we all know that the climb down is easier. I guess that's kind of how I feel. I made it though one half, and for some reason I feel like that will make the second half easier.

Speaking of the deployment, I have good news to share with you. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm kinda proud of myself. Despite the fact that I'm PMSing a fair bit, I haven't had any hardcore sad days in a while. I'm taking this by the horns right now and totally rocking it. I know I won't stay this way forever, but I am relishing it while I can. I'm not depressed! I'm not miserable! I still hate that he's gone (and still dislike the army QUITE a bit), mind you. But I'm at a good place with the deployment, emotionally. 

Maybe it's because the halfway point is coming up.

Maybe it's because I'm in such a good mood due to Fall's arrival.

And maybe it's because I'm so consumed with hatred for my life when I'm sitting in anatomy that I've used up my quota, and I don't have any more hatred left for my day-to-day life. (Is everyone understanding how I feel about anatomy? Sometimes I don't know if I'm expressing it adequately.)

My point is that I'm turning out to be handling this a lot better than I thought I could. Maybe it's just a phase, but at least I have these peaceful times to get me by when the storm rages and I can't live without him again. I am so grateful for the strength I am finding in myself. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there- and that's the important part!