Finally Together Again

A year ago today (June 22nd), my husband left for an almost 10 month deployment in Afghanistan.

Read the post from that day here:
http://sairahaight.blogspot.de/2012/06/day-i-hoped-would-never-come.html

It was arguably one of the worst days of my life. The months that followed (as documented in my other blogs) definitely were like unto a roller coaster. This post will be the highlights, low-lights, and life lessons that came into my life because of this deployment.

At my lowest, I was MISERABLE. I felt like I was a terrible wife. I hated everyone and everything that had anything to do with Caleb having to leave me. I ESPECIALLY hated the army. I just wanted to curl into a ball and die- to give up on life and effort. During the times he couldn't talk to me, I was extra anxious and panic-y. I would think crazy thoughts about catching a plane to Afghanistan because I COULD NOT take the separation any longer. It didn't help that this was our second long-term separation. I was angry at God for putting me with the most wonderful man I had ever met, but then constantly taking him away from me.

Easily some of the most depressing days of my life happened in those 10 months.

At my highest, I was happy with what I chose to do with myself during the separation (massage school), having a good time with my friends and family, and soaking up all the good I could out of whatever I was doing. I had my family supporting me the whole time. While it was hard at times to have moved back in with my family, I loved the extra time I got to spend with them. I met great new friends, and spent quality time with old ones. I loved what I learned at school and loved the people I learned from and with. I am really glad I ended up choosing to do massage therapy school. The time seemed to drag on forever as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have anything to do. Plus, not only did I occupy my time with something positive, I now have a career I can take with me wherever I go. Definitely one of the better decisions I've made.

Caleb and I still found ways to make our love grow, despite the fact that our marriage had to rely solely on technology. Having a virtual marriage really blows, but when it's the only option you have, you make it work. Distance doesn't HAVE to tear people apart- it only does that if you're not meant to work out anyway. I sent him packages and he sent me gifts. We Skyped on all the major holidays and whenever else he could. We exchanged emails and pictures, he'd leave comments on my Facebook wall or pictures reminding me how much he cared about me, missed me, and loved me. Those little messages meant the entire world to me. They kept me going and would make me smile, even when my day had been awful. He was a lot stronger than I was, but toward the middle he had just as much of a hard time as I did.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I didn't know how I was going to make it. But what other choice did I have than to make it? Looking back, not only did I make it, I'd say that I came out better for it. Not that I am happy it had to happen, but I mean, I could have handled it a lot worse than I did. I mean, I didn't go crazy, I didn't cheat, and we didn't let the distance or stress ruin our marriage. I'd say that makes us pretty successful.

When he got back, I'm not going to lie, it was a little strange. See, out of the year and a half we've been married, only roughly 5 months of that has been spent together. So when he returned home, it was like I was reuniting with an old acquaintance. It didn't feel like I was married to this guy. It's hard to describe, but it was like having to get to know each other all over again. It kind of sucked, because I shouldn't have to feel that way about someone I'm married to.

The next month, however, was great. We took a real honeymoon and had basically the time of our lives. That awkward, "I feel like I don't know you" feeling we both had was gone within a few weeks. We just had to get used to being together again. We went from no time together at all, to not being apart for 24 hours a day, every day- that takes time to adjust to. But we didn't mind and were soon living it up in the beautiful Bahamas. It really did feel like we were newlyweds on our honeymoon.

We've been back in Germany about a month and a half now. Living, shopping, making plans and decisions, and spending time together. Things that get boring quickly for most people, I think. But if there is one thing that being apart has taught me, it is to not take ANYTHING for granted and cherish the little things more. I have a hard time doing things without him now. There is A LOT of time in our relationship that should have been spent together that we need to make up for. I guess there really isn't a way to make up for lost time (I can't exactly just add time to a day to make sure all the minutes we lost get added in again.) other than using the time we have now in a really great way. We are going out and doing fun things on the weekends and taking the time to really enjoy each other.

I love my husband more than ever and I am more happy than anything in the world that I get to be with him again. It's such a sweet feeling to be reunited again, knowing that I'm not going to have to give him up again for a good while. No more moving without me, no more deployment to dread, just he and I finally getting the time together we deserve. Now we can really start our life together, which is something I have been waiting for since July of 2011. It was really hard, but we rocked it. So distance can suck it- we won.

Sweetest victory EVER.

PART I: Before the Beginning (And Some of the Beginning)

I've been meaning to write this for some time now. What is "this", you ask? 

My and Caleb's story. 

A story about true, enduring love that is so crazy and nonsensical, some have deemed it a fairytale.

How we met, our first date (Yes, the story of our first date *IS* so epic that it gets an entire post all to itself), how we fell in love, how we got engaged, etc... You're gonna hear it all. The two year anniversary of the weekend we started falling in love is next month, so I wanted to start this now in case it takes me a month to finish.

PART I: BEFORE THE BEGINNING

Our story begins (sort of) in 2009. No, we didn't meet until 2011. So how can a story start two years before it began? I'll explain.

I'd like to demonstrate how fate (or God, whichever you believe in more) had a HUGE hand in bringing Caleb and I together.

I was just out of high school and working for a company called Western Wats. Without getting boring, I will just tell you that I was semi-promoted to a different position in a different building where I met Amber Biggs. I really enjoyed her company and we became friends.

After a while, she introduced me to a company called Primerica. I did not do well with this company. I did, however, come away kind of starting to date a guy from that company named Seth. While Seth and I were "dating", I met his roommate, Chad. When Seth and I fizzled out, Chad asked me to go on a blind date with one of his friends. This friend just happened to be a kid who was one of Caleb's best friends for YEARS.

However, this is not the part of the story where I meet Caleb.

I went on this blind (and thankfully GROUP) date, where I met a friend of Chad's. TJ was his name, and his date bailed at the last minute, but he came anyway. A few weeks later, TJ had my number and he and I became a couple.

Jump forward only a few months later and we're in 2010. I had been graduated for a while and DESPERATELY needed to move out. I had been talking to TJ about this for a few weeks, so when one of his friends texted him about a room for rent in a house in Sandy, he let me know. If Katrina had never sent that text to TJ, I would never have moved to that area specifically. Fast forward several months and I was officially a resident of The House on Loma Way.

If I hadn't moved to Sandy, I wouldn't have joined the singles ward up there, causing me to never meet John and Adam, who would subsequently have never invited me to a movie night where their roommate/my future husband and I would set eyes on each other for the first time.

Ladies and gentleman... If you don't believe in destiny, I hope I can convince you to. It is CRAZY to me that a decision I made in 2009 relating only to where I would work, would create a domino effect of everything that needed to happen in order for me to meet my husband. If  my friend Brent hadn't introduced me to this job, I would have worked at some other insignificant job. I would never have taken the position they offered me that led me to meet Amber. I could have not chosen to move in with complete strangers. But the crazy thing is that I DID make those decisions! Not knowing that they were all leading me to the most amazing person I've ever met.

And I am POSITIVE that they did not happen by accident.

Now, THIS is the part of the story where I meet Caleb. :)

Caleb was about to leave for basic training and I heard someone ask him about a girl during this movie night event. I thought this guy was cute, but I didn't even remotely see things going anywhere.

 This particular night, I wanted to watch Psych REALLY badly. (This part will be important in my next post, I promise.) Even though everyone was trying to decide what movie to watch, every time a suggestion came up, I would insert my two cents.

"Hey, should we watch this one?"

"Guys, let's watch Psych!"

"Maybe. What do we think of either of these movies?"

"No, no. We should watch Psych!"

"Hey, do you have that one movie that just came out?"

"It's not out on DVD yet. LET'S WATCH PSYCH!"

Eventually no one could make up their minds, so we watched Psych. And everyone loved it. People should really learn to listen to me the first time. :)

ANYWAY, as the night went on, Caleb and I didn't interact one-on-one very much. We mutually participated in the group discussion, but nothing really significant. As it grew later, our friends left one by one until I was the only remaining guest. And I have no explanation as to why, but I was dawdling.

HARDCORE DAWDLING.

Mostly just chatting with John, Adam, and Caleb, but I was putting on my shoes and gathering my things much slower than was necessary. It was getting pretty late, though. Maybe it was because he was tired and wanted me out, or maybe it was because he could tell I was getting more intrigued with this Caleb kid. I'm not sure why John said what he did next, but I'm happy he did.

"Hey, Caleb, why don't you walk Sairah out to her car?"

So he did.

Anticlimactic alert: Nothing happened. Ok, a hug happened. But nothing else happened. He didn't ask for my number or to see me again... nothing. I assumed it was because he was serious with this girl I had heard someone asking about earlier. So I was bummed, but I let it go. He was leaving for basic training anyway. I had already sworn to not ever get involved with military guys, so I just moved on.

 

John texts me inviting me to a going away party for this Caleb guy. He was just a week away from leaving for basic training. It was a barbeque. I wasn't about to say no to free barbeque, despite the fact that I didn't know this kid very well. So I show up and, to my surprise, Caleb is FAR more attentive this time. I noticed (after testing my theory a few times) that he was actually TRYING to be in the same room I was and interact with me. I figured that this hussy he was dating before was out of the picture.

I was WRONG.

She shows up and wants to talk, so he disappears for like a year.

Just kidding. Maybe only an hour and a half.

Anyway, I got a chance to start chatting with his younger brother, Casey. We got along really well and ended up chatting until I decided that it was time for me to go. I decided I was going to go find Caleb to say goodbye. Luckily, I didn't have to interrupt anything awkward because he was coming up the stairs right then. When I told him I was leaving, he seemed genuinely put out. But again, didn't ask for my number, didn't ask to see me again... nothing. So I went home expecting to never see this kid again.

Luckily, I was wrong about that too. :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

Friends and Ranger School- Maybe...

So, life has been crazy for a little while. I got home and sort of adjusted. I've been in massage therapy school for two weeks now and it's pretty cool. I've made some friends, two in particular, who make it even better. I see Kayla and Steve almost every day, which is actually the best part of having started school. I mean, I know it's good that I'm in school, (and I'll admit that it's not as bad as I thought it would be.) but the fact that I've made friends that I can connect with so quickly and so well has really made it great.

The only downside to school so far is that I'm DREADING anatomy. I don't want to learn about the gross insides of the human body. If I had wanted to do that, I would be studying at a real collage to be a nurse or one of those people who dissect dead bodies.

Gross.

 Especially since Kayla has already taken anatomy twice, and I am usually the target of her distracting habits, I am almost scared that I'm going to fail. haha

My and Caleb's first anniversary came and went on the 27th of July. What I thought was going to be a miserable day of loneliness and missing my husband turned out to be great. My mom found a little SLC temple charm and gave it to me in the morning as a reminder of the happiness, rather than focusing on the emptiness. Caleb then called me and we had an amazing chat. I love that he was able to call, even though he hadn't been able to a lot that week. Goll, I love him. 

So. Freaking. Much.

(As a side note, I had this really awesome blanket made for him as an anniversary gift. I went on walmart.com and put a ton of pictures of us on it, and it was GIGANTIC. I wish I had taken a picture of it before I sent it to him. Just believe me when I say it was CRAZY AWESOME.)

Later that day, my dad took me to lunch at this little place close to his work. I loved that we got to spend that daddy-daughter time together like that. We don't get that as often as I'd like, so it was really special. Then he took me back to his work to introduce me to a girl my age he had just hired onto his team. Her name is Bethany and she is adorable. We spent the rest of the entire night chatting and laughing. She distracted me from what might have been a very difficult night. 

These little blessings mean more than I can describe to you, and there's a possibility that you won't understand unless you've been in my situation. Let it just stand to say that it is SO important and means the world to me.

I also got a calling as a Sunbeam teacher. Not much to say about that, other than that I get to hang out with a bunch of little kids every Sunday. Not the worst calling ever, but I've never taught before. According to their remarks today, I'm pretty sure that as long as I bring treats, this is going to be no sweat.

So here comes the interesting part, I suppose. I know the last two posts have been very negative, so I'm going to try and make this one not so much.

"Try" is the key word here.

I'd be lying if I said that it's gotten easier. Well, sort of. the fact that I'm with Kayla and Steve so much DEFINITELY helps. Not to mention that Caleb has made an effort to call me more, which has meant everything. But it doesn't change that he's gone of course, or that I still hate going to bed without him. So naturally, I still am running into super hard days. Not gonna lie, today was one of them. But thanks to the fact that I have such great friends and family, and the fact that Caleb is being such a great husband, the pain isn't as frequent. And that's the whole point of me coming home, really.

Altho, something we (Caleb and I) have been talking about recently has made me super unhappy. He wants to go to Ranger school after his deployment is over. That means he'd be gone for a little over two months longer than planned. Which means that the idea which has assisted me in keeping my sanity (you know, the one where I tell myself, "At least he won't be gone for a full year. It's just 9 months.") will no longer be valid. I will no longer have that to hold onto, and it's a little crushing. He says that if he's a ranger then he won't be deployed for as long (only 6 months, supposedly) and that they don't necessarily deploy more. I don't know how true that is. All I know is that it means he WILL be gone for a whole year, and this just deployment just got that much worse.

However, the one thing that gives me solace is the possibility of him only having to be deployed for 6 months. Obviously, if Sairah had her way, he wouldn't deploy at all, and we'd live happily ever after running some surf shop on a remote beach in Costa Rica. But I guess if I *HAVE* to deal with this evil, it might as well be for less time. (But let's be honest, Costa Rica is clearly the more awesome option.)

 So, friends. If you're stuck with me for almost 3 months longer than I've been telling you, blame Caleb. Another thought that just occurred to me is that this would mean 3 months less of living in Germany. I'm definitely not going to complain about that. This is sounding more and more appealing as I think about it. I'm tempted to officially give him my permission to do this. haha

Anyway, here's to you (yes, you) and the fantastic support I'm getting from everyone here at home. Thanks for putting up with me and being such wonderful friends. I love you guys.

Cheers. ♥

My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.

A Surprise and A Closet Patriot

So, not much has happened since I last wrote. Oh yeah, except that I surprised my family by coming home this last Wednesday instead of September 15th, like I told them I would be.

I would tell people on Facebook that I wasn't coming home until September, I had a couple of my friends come pick me up from the airport, they helped me take my bags all sneaky to the side of the house so that my mom wouldn't see them if she looked out the window... The whole 9 yards.

I even went as far as to plan a Skype date with them for the day after I knew I'd arrive. I pretended my phone didn't work and that I "wasn't getting my mom's texts" thru the whole day, when really I was just flying. 

I came to the door at about 1:00am, and just rang the doorbell. It took them a second, but Chance and Amanda came to the door. Chance was the first one to see me, and he just kinda looked at me for a second with a look that said, "Is this real life??" Then he was like, "OH MY GOSH!" and came up and gave me a big hug. Amanda was like, "What?!" and then she saw me and was all, "OH MY HECK!" and ran screaming through the house saying, "Mom! Dad! It's SAIRAH!! SAIRAH'S HERE!!"

It was the most awesome surprise ever. And I can't believe I pulled it off. Like a boss.


 Next item of business: 
IT'S ALMOST THE 4TH OF JULY!!! 

   

  


Now, I haven't always been this excited about Independence Day. If I was, it was only because my family has this sweet tradition of going to the hill next to the Provo temple, laying out a picnic blanket and eating Subway while waiting for the Stadium of Fire to do their fireworks. But this year, I feel like decorating pretty much everything in red, white, and blue.

Any guesses as to why? No? Ok, I'll tell you.

It's my love for my soldier. A soldier who I am more proud of than anything/anyone in the whole world. MY soldier. Who is doing one of the most dangerous jobs in the army (which terrifies me a little) because he loves his country.

And because he's an adrenaline junkie.

Now, I've always been grateful for the fact that we, as Americans can pretty much do whatever we want (within the law, of course). I do recognize some countries don't have the same blessings we do. However, I've never been one of those people who goes crazy about it. Let me give you an example.

Let's say... football. I like football enough. I won't go out of my way to make a huge deal about how much I like it, but I do. HOWEVER, if my husband played for a specific team, I would go to every game. I would plaster his team's logo all over the place. I would buy team merchandise. I would support the team unconditionally simply because my husband played on the team.


Well, the team my husband has chosen to play on is Team USA. And because I love him SO STINKING MUCH, I am going to be extra patriotic, almost by default. Which makes me more excited than usual to celebrate America's birthday this year. I guess that's what happens when you're in love.


And believe me, I am definitely in love.

The Day I Hoped Would Never Come

Current statuses: Caleb just got off the bus at the air base (and is probably getting briefed right now, judging by his lack of response to my texts) and Sairah is kinda, pretty much a wreck. I'm sitting in our apartment, by myself, with all the lights on and blinds up, because being surrounded by light makes me feel not so alone. Music is also running in the background so I don't feel completely abandoned.

I woke up just as early as Caleb did this morning, so I should take a nap, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It feels too weird, too empty, to sleep in our bed without him. Nothing feels right. Not sleeping, not cleaning, not eating, even just being here doesn't feel right. But going out into the world wouldn't feel right either, knowing he's not just a 10 minute drive away anymore.

I'd have to compare it to having a really bad cold or something. I feel awkward just being in my own body. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, but I can't stay in this house. (And today was supposed to be my shower day, so the fact that I'm not motivated to do anything is not very good news for my hygiene.) My stomach is growling from not having anything to eat since this morning, but I feel too sick to my stomach to put anything in it.

His leaving today brought all kinds of crazy emotions. I've been crying on and off for a few days, and I thought I would lose it last night, but I didn't. Well, only a little. Our beautiful goodbye story started yesterday night.

I told him a few weeks ago that all I wanted to do for our anniversary was to read the letters we wrote while he was in basic and read the notes in our piggy bank.

Our piggy bank notes were an idea that Caleb suggested to me in the same letter that he told me he wanted to marry me. The idea was to buy a piggy bank, and once a week we'd write down a memory that meant something to us, address it to the other person, and put it in the piggy bank- only to be opened on our first anniversary.

It definitely didn't turn out to be a weekly thing, and we obviously can't open it on our real anniversary, so we just settled with reading them all last night.

So we read almost all the letters and we read all the piggy bank notes, reliving memories that meant something to each of us, and it was beautiful.

I had made the decision earlier that I was not going to sleep this particular night. I wanted to soak up every single remaining second with him. So he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and I held him in my arms while I played solitaire and Word Warp, Facebooked, and listened to the thunderstorm. And it was sad, but beautiful.

The next morning (today), I drove with him to work so that as soon as he had some free time I could eat breakfast with him. I was so excited because he actually had several hours of free time. We ate breakfast, drove home (which he wasn't supposed to do, technically, so I'm trusting you all to not tell on him.), did grown-up stuff, and took a short nap with his remaining free time. Sorry to be a little graphic, but it really meant a lot that we were able to embrace each other as husband a wife one final time before he left. When it's more about love than lust, it's a beautiful thing. We fell asleep for a short nap cuddling very close, and it was beautiful.

Then we had to go back to base so they could start loading the trucks and buses. It was about 9:40 when we got there, and the buses weren't due to leave until noon. We sat at tables in the motor pool (where they keep all the trucks and stuff) for a while. Holding hands, giving kisses, hugging, wrapping our arms around each other... Just being near one another as long as we could. Only leaving each others' side when he was asked to help load stuff for a little bit. We got to be so close, make each other laugh, and fall a little more in love just before he left, and it was beautiful.

Waiting in the motor pool. It amazes me daily how handsome he is. ♥

Then came the time I had been dreading since I got here in February. One of the officers announced that they would have a prayer (which was actually very good), and then we had 10 minutes to say our final goodbyes before they had to board the bus.

Almost ready to board the bus. You can hardly tell I'd been practically sobbing just minutes before.

I cried a little more, he held me very tightly, we said "I love you" a billion times, took a few more pictures, and shared what I would deem the most amazing kiss we have had our entire relationship.

This wasn't actually THE kiss I'm about to describe, but it was one of the last before he had to go.

It was so full of emotion, love, and meaning. The kind of kiss that only comes when both people are feeling so raw that you're practically oozing love from every pore. The kind of kiss that makes you fall more in love with the other person simply because you can tell how much it means to both of you, like your lives depend on it. The kind of kiss that literally felt like it made time slow down for those 10, blissful seconds. 

Google defines ecstasy as: An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement. I'm pretty sure that's the most accurate way to describe it, and it was BEAUTIFUL.

This was taken by one of the photographers who was just walking around. SO. TENDER. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Anyway, now that you all have a pretty clear idea of how much I loved that kiss, I'll move on to the goodbye. I had to watch my other half, my entire world, walk away from me and into formation. I then turned around and saw the girl who I'd been talking to for a good portion of the time we were waiting in the motor pool. She, her husband, and their two boys were at the same table with us. Her eyes were just as teary as mine, we looked at each other and immediately knew what to do: HUG. Both of her boys were crying, which didn't make it any easier on us. The older boy actually came over to me, wrapped his arms around my legs as he cried, and held on for at least a few minutes. My heart broke even more- for this little boy who just lost his daddy, and for myself.

Just about to step onto the bus to leave. :'( </3

Another girl from our troop came over to join us in the tear-fest and we just stood together and hugged, closer friends than we were even just 30 seconds prior to that moment. It's crazy how much love I felt for these girls, my B Troop sisters, who were/are hurting just like me. The fact that we were there for each other at that moment of need was incredibly bonding, and it was beautiful. (I don't actually know how they felt about it, but that was my take, anyway.)

As much as it totally sucks that he's leaving, I couldn't have asked for a more graceful departure. If it had happened any other way, it probably would have been a lot harder for me. Thank God for that.

It's been almost six hours since he left, and that seems a little weird to me. I just can't believe he's gone. I know it will hit me, and continue to hit me for the entire deployment. But for now, I'm just going to begin taking it one day at a time. Wish me luck.

♥

If you're not sick of reading by now, I'd like to share another beautiful part of my day with you. Caleb is still in the country, and is only a few hours away until further notice. We exchanged texts on his trip there, of course. I don't know how happy he will be with me sharing this with you, but I want you to see how incredible and amazingly adorable he can be. But don't tell him you saw anything. Haha

Ladies and gentlemen, this is love.