My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.

Today and College Have Something In Common- They Both Suck.

I'm going to start out by saying that I am not handling this deployment as well as I was last week. Today really sucked. There are reasons it sucked, but the story is long. The short version is that I was hoping my husband had an excuse for not calling me as much as the other soldiers called their wives, but he doesn't, and it makes me feel like I'm not as important as their husbands seem to think they are. 

So, today sucks because I don't feel important. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm kind of pretty upset about it. To take my mind off of it, I'm going to write. Because writing helps.

 

I haven't started college yet because frankly, I hate the idea of college. I know we are supposed to get a higher education, but when the idea of going to college makes you want to throw up, punch a baby penguin, and flee the country all at the same time, it really doesn't give you motivation to start. Maybe if I could ONLY take the classes I wanted, but I have to take all the classes "The Man" wants me to take (which includes math, and I hate math). I mean, if a mission is not for everyone, why is a traditional college?

But just before I came home, I signed up for school. Not regular school. UCMT (Utah College of Massage Therapy). I went into the actual campus the other day to get some financial aid stuff done and to sign some papers to officially sign myself up for school. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of anxious about it.

Partly because I've never done it before, and partly because I know there is a possibility that some soldiers in my husband's unit could come home early. If he comes home early, they will go back to Germany and then they will get a month off. But the problem is, I will be in school. So not only will we not even really get to spend that time together, he'll have to be in Germany while I am in the states- again. If that happens, I am going to be PISSED. But I suppose it's worth the stress to get some kind of further education, seeing as how I don't wanna do regular college. Maybe later.

But it ended up being okay. One of the ladies there was super nice and she took really great care of me. I took my laptop and she saw the picture of Caleb and I saying goodbye, and she asked about him. When I told her that he was deployed, she was really empathetic and really wanted to help me out as much as possible. I still have no idea if I'm going to enjoy it or not, but at least I'm doing something with my life.

Right?...

A Surprise and A Closet Patriot

So, not much has happened since I last wrote. Oh yeah, except that I surprised my family by coming home this last Wednesday instead of September 15th, like I told them I would be.

I would tell people on Facebook that I wasn't coming home until September, I had a couple of my friends come pick me up from the airport, they helped me take my bags all sneaky to the side of the house so that my mom wouldn't see them if she looked out the window... The whole 9 yards.

I even went as far as to plan a Skype date with them for the day after I knew I'd arrive. I pretended my phone didn't work and that I "wasn't getting my mom's texts" thru the whole day, when really I was just flying. 

I came to the door at about 1:00am, and just rang the doorbell. It took them a second, but Chance and Amanda came to the door. Chance was the first one to see me, and he just kinda looked at me for a second with a look that said, "Is this real life??" Then he was like, "OH MY GOSH!" and came up and gave me a big hug. Amanda was like, "What?!" and then she saw me and was all, "OH MY HECK!" and ran screaming through the house saying, "Mom! Dad! It's SAIRAH!! SAIRAH'S HERE!!"

It was the most awesome surprise ever. And I can't believe I pulled it off. Like a boss.


 Next item of business: 
IT'S ALMOST THE 4TH OF JULY!!! 

   

  


Now, I haven't always been this excited about Independence Day. If I was, it was only because my family has this sweet tradition of going to the hill next to the Provo temple, laying out a picnic blanket and eating Subway while waiting for the Stadium of Fire to do their fireworks. But this year, I feel like decorating pretty much everything in red, white, and blue.

Any guesses as to why? No? Ok, I'll tell you.

It's my love for my soldier. A soldier who I am more proud of than anything/anyone in the whole world. MY soldier. Who is doing one of the most dangerous jobs in the army (which terrifies me a little) because he loves his country.

And because he's an adrenaline junkie.

Now, I've always been grateful for the fact that we, as Americans can pretty much do whatever we want (within the law, of course). I do recognize some countries don't have the same blessings we do. However, I've never been one of those people who goes crazy about it. Let me give you an example.

Let's say... football. I like football enough. I won't go out of my way to make a huge deal about how much I like it, but I do. HOWEVER, if my husband played for a specific team, I would go to every game. I would plaster his team's logo all over the place. I would buy team merchandise. I would support the team unconditionally simply because my husband played on the team.


Well, the team my husband has chosen to play on is Team USA. And because I love him SO STINKING MUCH, I am going to be extra patriotic, almost by default. Which makes me more excited than usual to celebrate America's birthday this year. I guess that's what happens when you're in love.


And believe me, I am definitely in love.