An Attempt At Sanity

Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything.  I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.

Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?

 Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.

And this is what I came up with:

Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that. 

Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.

So I should just stop complaining, right?

Probably.

I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.

I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.

I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:

My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.