Finding Peace in the Chaos

Holy cow- has it really been four months since my last post?? I feel like I'm slacking. I'll throw out an apology to anyone who feels like they need one. Haha

Sorry, guys.

Since we last met, Caleb has been promoted to a temporary position as Corporal to give him a little extra responsibility until he can be promoted to Sergeant, which will probably happen in January-ish. Woo! He has been playing sports like there's no tomorrow. He was on a football team, now a basketball team, and just played another small bout of football. 

Side note: I don't understand people who have this innate NEED to compete. I absolutely do NOT like to compete. For my husband, he's not having fun with an activity until he's competing. For me, I AM having fun until I'm competing. This, apparently is the reason he refuses to teach me to snowboard: because I'm not good enough (I'm not good at all, really) to compete with him and ride the "challenging slopes". Thus rendering me boring, apparently. Which would bother me if I cared more than not at all about snowboarding. 

Bahahaha!

I've been getting more involved with the FRG (Family Readiness Group- basically all the wives planning fun stuff to do.) and it has been a BLAST. I love the ladies who were picked to be our leaders, I love the other wives in my troop, and I love the opportunities that have been presented to me because of them. I even joined Crossfit, with a lot of encouragement from Kristin and awesome support from Emma in the form of being my ride there. They've both been great friends and great motivators for me.

I'm doing better(ish) with getting a little more business for my small apartment massage gig. Some of Caleb's single soldier friends have come over to get a massage, some more than once, and it's helped. I really enjoy the guys he's friends with. I try to actually befriend them and not just be "Haight's wife". I try to joke with them like we're buddies, so I guess it would be really awkward if we aren't. Hahaha

I spend most of my time with Jessica and her baby, though. We see each other basically every day, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I laugh harder with her than almost anyone else. Even when we're not doing anything, I always manage to enjoy my time with her. She gets me, ya know?? PLUS, A FEW DAYS AGO HER BABY WALKED FOR THE FIRST TIME- RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!! It was super cool.

(The fact that I am this excited about HER baby walking should probably give you an indication of her importance in my life. [hashtag]bestfriends)

So, this CRAZY thing happened the other day. I was under the impression that we had several months to decide if Caleb was re-enlisting and where we would go. We have been talking about it a little bit, but we never really decided on anything. I get a call from him a few days ago basically saying that there was a re-enlistment spot open and we needed to decide what to do, "time now".

OIY!

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to decide your future in like, 30 seconds?? Let me tell you, it's a stressful thing.

In a jumble of confusion and only half talking to me, he told the retention guy that we would probably stay here for another year and be sent somewhere else after. (We don't get to pick that "somewhere else" though, so there was some risk involved.) I asked Caleb if he had made that his final decision, and he said that he had not. He was going to go to a meeting with another retention guy to discuss which would be the better option, then we would talk about it more.

For those of you familiar with the way the army does things, this next part will not surprise you.

Turns out that the first retention guy just told the second retention guy that we had made our decision, so (without talking to us or having that meeting with Caleb to confirm anything) he put us down to stay in Germany an extra year.

Boom. Done. 

Just like that.

I was a little floored, to tell you the truth. Part of me felt like I hadn't even really made the decision- I felt like someone else had just made it for me. Luckily, it still was not technically set in stone at this point either. But Caleb and I talked about it, and since he is going to "try out" for a different unit in a few months anyway, we decided that staying this extra year would be the best option after all. I feel a lot better about it now that I know we definitely want it. Now that I feel like I actually got to have something to say about it.

Of course, this means another several years in the army. A couple years ago, I would have groaned. Probably complained. (Let's be honest, I will still probably do those things in the future.) Right now, though... I'm deciding to be okay with it. I'm accepting (very slowly) that this is going to be my life. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that it's probably going to be another 10 years before we're done with the army. I'm glad to have been able to spend this time in a foreign country with my husband, it'll be really cool to tell our kids one day. It's just sad that my very first impression of the army had to be them ROYALLY screwing me over. Maybe that's why it's taken me this long to start being okay with him staying in.

Baby steps, I guess.

Anyway, last, but not least...

 

Enjoy your families, food, and festivities!

My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.