My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.

The Day I Hoped Would Never Come

Current statuses: Caleb just got off the bus at the air base (and is probably getting briefed right now, judging by his lack of response to my texts) and Sairah is kinda, pretty much a wreck. I'm sitting in our apartment, by myself, with all the lights on and blinds up, because being surrounded by light makes me feel not so alone. Music is also running in the background so I don't feel completely abandoned.

I woke up just as early as Caleb did this morning, so I should take a nap, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It feels too weird, too empty, to sleep in our bed without him. Nothing feels right. Not sleeping, not cleaning, not eating, even just being here doesn't feel right. But going out into the world wouldn't feel right either, knowing he's not just a 10 minute drive away anymore.

I'd have to compare it to having a really bad cold or something. I feel awkward just being in my own body. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, but I can't stay in this house. (And today was supposed to be my shower day, so the fact that I'm not motivated to do anything is not very good news for my hygiene.) My stomach is growling from not having anything to eat since this morning, but I feel too sick to my stomach to put anything in it.

His leaving today brought all kinds of crazy emotions. I've been crying on and off for a few days, and I thought I would lose it last night, but I didn't. Well, only a little. Our beautiful goodbye story started yesterday night.

I told him a few weeks ago that all I wanted to do for our anniversary was to read the letters we wrote while he was in basic and read the notes in our piggy bank.

Our piggy bank notes were an idea that Caleb suggested to me in the same letter that he told me he wanted to marry me. The idea was to buy a piggy bank, and once a week we'd write down a memory that meant something to us, address it to the other person, and put it in the piggy bank- only to be opened on our first anniversary.

It definitely didn't turn out to be a weekly thing, and we obviously can't open it on our real anniversary, so we just settled with reading them all last night.

So we read almost all the letters and we read all the piggy bank notes, reliving memories that meant something to each of us, and it was beautiful.

I had made the decision earlier that I was not going to sleep this particular night. I wanted to soak up every single remaining second with him. So he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and I held him in my arms while I played solitaire and Word Warp, Facebooked, and listened to the thunderstorm. And it was sad, but beautiful.

The next morning (today), I drove with him to work so that as soon as he had some free time I could eat breakfast with him. I was so excited because he actually had several hours of free time. We ate breakfast, drove home (which he wasn't supposed to do, technically, so I'm trusting you all to not tell on him.), did grown-up stuff, and took a short nap with his remaining free time. Sorry to be a little graphic, but it really meant a lot that we were able to embrace each other as husband a wife one final time before he left. When it's more about love than lust, it's a beautiful thing. We fell asleep for a short nap cuddling very close, and it was beautiful.

Then we had to go back to base so they could start loading the trucks and buses. It was about 9:40 when we got there, and the buses weren't due to leave until noon. We sat at tables in the motor pool (where they keep all the trucks and stuff) for a while. Holding hands, giving kisses, hugging, wrapping our arms around each other... Just being near one another as long as we could. Only leaving each others' side when he was asked to help load stuff for a little bit. We got to be so close, make each other laugh, and fall a little more in love just before he left, and it was beautiful.

Waiting in the motor pool. It amazes me daily how handsome he is. ♥

Then came the time I had been dreading since I got here in February. One of the officers announced that they would have a prayer (which was actually very good), and then we had 10 minutes to say our final goodbyes before they had to board the bus.

Almost ready to board the bus. You can hardly tell I'd been practically sobbing just minutes before.

I cried a little more, he held me very tightly, we said "I love you" a billion times, took a few more pictures, and shared what I would deem the most amazing kiss we have had our entire relationship.

This wasn't actually THE kiss I'm about to describe, but it was one of the last before he had to go.

It was so full of emotion, love, and meaning. The kind of kiss that only comes when both people are feeling so raw that you're practically oozing love from every pore. The kind of kiss that makes you fall more in love with the other person simply because you can tell how much it means to both of you, like your lives depend on it. The kind of kiss that literally felt like it made time slow down for those 10, blissful seconds. 

Google defines ecstasy as: An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement. I'm pretty sure that's the most accurate way to describe it, and it was BEAUTIFUL.

This was taken by one of the photographers who was just walking around. SO. TENDER. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Anyway, now that you all have a pretty clear idea of how much I loved that kiss, I'll move on to the goodbye. I had to watch my other half, my entire world, walk away from me and into formation. I then turned around and saw the girl who I'd been talking to for a good portion of the time we were waiting in the motor pool. She, her husband, and their two boys were at the same table with us. Her eyes were just as teary as mine, we looked at each other and immediately knew what to do: HUG. Both of her boys were crying, which didn't make it any easier on us. The older boy actually came over to me, wrapped his arms around my legs as he cried, and held on for at least a few minutes. My heart broke even more- for this little boy who just lost his daddy, and for myself.

Just about to step onto the bus to leave. :'( </3

Another girl from our troop came over to join us in the tear-fest and we just stood together and hugged, closer friends than we were even just 30 seconds prior to that moment. It's crazy how much love I felt for these girls, my B Troop sisters, who were/are hurting just like me. The fact that we were there for each other at that moment of need was incredibly bonding, and it was beautiful. (I don't actually know how they felt about it, but that was my take, anyway.)

As much as it totally sucks that he's leaving, I couldn't have asked for a more graceful departure. If it had happened any other way, it probably would have been a lot harder for me. Thank God for that.

It's been almost six hours since he left, and that seems a little weird to me. I just can't believe he's gone. I know it will hit me, and continue to hit me for the entire deployment. But for now, I'm just going to begin taking it one day at a time. Wish me luck.

♥

If you're not sick of reading by now, I'd like to share another beautiful part of my day with you. Caleb is still in the country, and is only a few hours away until further notice. We exchanged texts on his trip there, of course. I don't know how happy he will be with me sharing this with you, but I want you to see how incredible and amazingly adorable he can be. But don't tell him you saw anything. Haha

Ladies and gentlemen, this is love.