At the Close of the Year the World Was Supposed to End...

I'd say, "It's been a while", but that would be kind of a boring start.

Although, it is true.

So, now we're at 6 months down. These are turbulent times. But that's really how it is being the wife of a deployed soldier. Emotions all over the place. Maybe some aren't as "bipolar" as I am, but it kind of gets crazy. I know that normal wives have bad and good days, so this doesn't sound any different from a normal wife's life. However, when there's a certain level of anxiety in the back of your head at all times (again, above and beyond that of a normal wife's), it makes things a little different.

 It's hard to describe without sounding like I want to be pitied, but the point of this blog is to help others get a glimpse into what it's like being an army wife with a deployed husband. Or at least the "Sairah version" of an army wife with a deployed husband.

So here it is.

Lately, the hardest part has been when I am having a rough day and I know that the only person who can make me feel better is him. I just need him to hold me... but he's not here. That part is still a little difficult to get past. It was way worse at first- I would cry every time I missed him. Now, I really only cry when I'm having a hard day and just wish he could be here to give me a huge hug and cuddle for a while. You'd never guess (nor believe it, because I never did) that it gets better, but it has. The bad days get less bad. Less frequent. I'm happy or at least neutral more of the time.

When we hit the half way mark, it really didn't feel as glorious as I anticipated. It didn't really feel like the landmark I thought it would be. Now, the New Year... That will REALLY feel like a landmark. I will really feel like we've made progress. Only a few more months to wait after that. I feel like knowing this has helped me have more good days recently. We still have a while, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. More motivation to just push through and get it done. It gets easier as the end gets closer. 

Besides a few rough days where I've had to fight the Mood Swing Monster, I have been doing mostly well, actually. Not being in school is making time go twice as slow, so a small part of me can't wait to go back. Planning our trip has made me much cheerier as well. I'm thrilled the world didn't end, because that would have been a depressing waste of time for me.

The update on Caleb is that he has not been able to contact me as much lately due to the fact that he's out doing what he deems "the fun stuff" again. I think everyone can guess how I feel about that. But he's happier than he was before when he was cooped up in the office.

Anyway, that's what's new. This is the countdown thing I've been doing. Just seeing the majority of the "pie" as green is very happy.

 

190. That's quite a big number. Smaller than the number of days we have left, which is the most important part. Cheers.

The Day I Hoped Would Never Come

Current statuses: Caleb just got off the bus at the air base (and is probably getting briefed right now, judging by his lack of response to my texts) and Sairah is kinda, pretty much a wreck. I'm sitting in our apartment, by myself, with all the lights on and blinds up, because being surrounded by light makes me feel not so alone. Music is also running in the background so I don't feel completely abandoned.

I woke up just as early as Caleb did this morning, so I should take a nap, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It feels too weird, too empty, to sleep in our bed without him. Nothing feels right. Not sleeping, not cleaning, not eating, even just being here doesn't feel right. But going out into the world wouldn't feel right either, knowing he's not just a 10 minute drive away anymore.

I'd have to compare it to having a really bad cold or something. I feel awkward just being in my own body. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, but I can't stay in this house. (And today was supposed to be my shower day, so the fact that I'm not motivated to do anything is not very good news for my hygiene.) My stomach is growling from not having anything to eat since this morning, but I feel too sick to my stomach to put anything in it.

His leaving today brought all kinds of crazy emotions. I've been crying on and off for a few days, and I thought I would lose it last night, but I didn't. Well, only a little. Our beautiful goodbye story started yesterday night.

I told him a few weeks ago that all I wanted to do for our anniversary was to read the letters we wrote while he was in basic and read the notes in our piggy bank.

Our piggy bank notes were an idea that Caleb suggested to me in the same letter that he told me he wanted to marry me. The idea was to buy a piggy bank, and once a week we'd write down a memory that meant something to us, address it to the other person, and put it in the piggy bank- only to be opened on our first anniversary.

It definitely didn't turn out to be a weekly thing, and we obviously can't open it on our real anniversary, so we just settled with reading them all last night.

So we read almost all the letters and we read all the piggy bank notes, reliving memories that meant something to each of us, and it was beautiful.

I had made the decision earlier that I was not going to sleep this particular night. I wanted to soak up every single remaining second with him. So he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and I held him in my arms while I played solitaire and Word Warp, Facebooked, and listened to the thunderstorm. And it was sad, but beautiful.

The next morning (today), I drove with him to work so that as soon as he had some free time I could eat breakfast with him. I was so excited because he actually had several hours of free time. We ate breakfast, drove home (which he wasn't supposed to do, technically, so I'm trusting you all to not tell on him.), did grown-up stuff, and took a short nap with his remaining free time. Sorry to be a little graphic, but it really meant a lot that we were able to embrace each other as husband a wife one final time before he left. When it's more about love than lust, it's a beautiful thing. We fell asleep for a short nap cuddling very close, and it was beautiful.

Then we had to go back to base so they could start loading the trucks and buses. It was about 9:40 when we got there, and the buses weren't due to leave until noon. We sat at tables in the motor pool (where they keep all the trucks and stuff) for a while. Holding hands, giving kisses, hugging, wrapping our arms around each other... Just being near one another as long as we could. Only leaving each others' side when he was asked to help load stuff for a little bit. We got to be so close, make each other laugh, and fall a little more in love just before he left, and it was beautiful.

Waiting in the motor pool. It amazes me daily how handsome he is. ♥

Then came the time I had been dreading since I got here in February. One of the officers announced that they would have a prayer (which was actually very good), and then we had 10 minutes to say our final goodbyes before they had to board the bus.

Almost ready to board the bus. You can hardly tell I'd been practically sobbing just minutes before.

I cried a little more, he held me very tightly, we said "I love you" a billion times, took a few more pictures, and shared what I would deem the most amazing kiss we have had our entire relationship.

This wasn't actually THE kiss I'm about to describe, but it was one of the last before he had to go.

It was so full of emotion, love, and meaning. The kind of kiss that only comes when both people are feeling so raw that you're practically oozing love from every pore. The kind of kiss that makes you fall more in love with the other person simply because you can tell how much it means to both of you, like your lives depend on it. The kind of kiss that literally felt like it made time slow down for those 10, blissful seconds. 

Google defines ecstasy as: An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement. I'm pretty sure that's the most accurate way to describe it, and it was BEAUTIFUL.

This was taken by one of the photographers who was just walking around. SO. TENDER. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Anyway, now that you all have a pretty clear idea of how much I loved that kiss, I'll move on to the goodbye. I had to watch my other half, my entire world, walk away from me and into formation. I then turned around and saw the girl who I'd been talking to for a good portion of the time we were waiting in the motor pool. She, her husband, and their two boys were at the same table with us. Her eyes were just as teary as mine, we looked at each other and immediately knew what to do: HUG. Both of her boys were crying, which didn't make it any easier on us. The older boy actually came over to me, wrapped his arms around my legs as he cried, and held on for at least a few minutes. My heart broke even more- for this little boy who just lost his daddy, and for myself.

Just about to step onto the bus to leave. :'( </3

Another girl from our troop came over to join us in the tear-fest and we just stood together and hugged, closer friends than we were even just 30 seconds prior to that moment. It's crazy how much love I felt for these girls, my B Troop sisters, who were/are hurting just like me. The fact that we were there for each other at that moment of need was incredibly bonding, and it was beautiful. (I don't actually know how they felt about it, but that was my take, anyway.)

As much as it totally sucks that he's leaving, I couldn't have asked for a more graceful departure. If it had happened any other way, it probably would have been a lot harder for me. Thank God for that.

It's been almost six hours since he left, and that seems a little weird to me. I just can't believe he's gone. I know it will hit me, and continue to hit me for the entire deployment. But for now, I'm just going to begin taking it one day at a time. Wish me luck.

♥

If you're not sick of reading by now, I'd like to share another beautiful part of my day with you. Caleb is still in the country, and is only a few hours away until further notice. We exchanged texts on his trip there, of course. I don't know how happy he will be with me sharing this with you, but I want you to see how incredible and amazingly adorable he can be. But don't tell him you saw anything. Haha

Ladies and gentlemen, this is love.