An Attempt At Sanity

Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything.  I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.

Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?

 Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.

And this is what I came up with:

Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that. 

Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.

So I should just stop complaining, right?

Probably.

I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.

I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.

I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:

Cherish All The Moments

Maybe I jinxed myself after all...

So here's my problem: Today in one of my classes, one of my teachers made a comment that went something like this:

"You know that feeling when a loved one leaves you, even just for a night, and your heart just shatters?"

As a matter of fact, I know exactly what you mean, teacher. Ever since that point, I have been thinking (more than usual) about  how much I miss my husband. It kills me a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but every time one of my married friends posts a picture of them and their spouse, my heart breaks a little. I'm so jealous. That's the life *I* should have. The one where I get to see my husband every day.

I'm so proud of Caleb, but missing him hurts a lot and I sure wish I didn't have to live without him.

I still haven't broken down (knock on wood), so I guess that's... progress? A good thing, for sure. Going to bed tonight might be hard, but I'll get over it.

My friends, if you are married or have a significant other of any kind you get to see on a daily or even weekly basis, please be grateful. Please remember how lucky you are to even spend time with them. It's REALLY not easy doing this. In fact, I'd even submit that it is hard. It would make me so happy to know that those of you who have the privilege of being with the one you love are making the most of it and never taking them for granted.

I love you all, and am so glad to have you in my life. Have a great day, and cherish every moment. ♥

Apethetic, Irritable, and Everything In Between

It's amazing how my perception of life has changed since Caleb left. Things that would usually be a big, exciting deal just don't matter. Yet, things that shouldn't bug me end up severely irritating me. For example, the olympics. A lot of people were super crazy about watching them or following them. I, however, didn't really care. I have more important things on my mind. But when someone posts something on facebook or whatever, sometimes it'll really bug me. Then, since I won't ever say anything to them it'll fester. Maybe not for very long, but it will.

Just recently, someone I know posted something about a characteristic in other people that bothered them. Or rather, the actions that came from having this characteristic. Now, I happen to know that this person has this characteristic. In fact, they have done to me the EXACT thing that they were complaining about. 

Several times, actually. I'd be willing to submit that it's one of their habits, even.

Now, to me, this seems very hypocritical. (Which I'm pretty sure it is, but whatever.) But instead of just recognizing that it's hypocritical and moving on, it REALLY bothered me! Like, to the point that it has me in a very foul mood.

This  next part is going to make me sound like a jerk (cuz I know everyone has a right to be upset about this particular thing.) but it also really bugs me when people complain about missing their husbands or the fact that their husbands have to work late. All that runs thru my mind is, "At least he's going to come home to you before next year! I'll bet he'll even be home in the next 48 hours!" 

Like I said, I understand that it's frustrating to be separated (BELIEVE ME, I really do.) but that's just the point. When someone else complains about being separated from their husband for a short amount of time, it just kinda shoves it in my face that other people get to be depressed when their spouses have to be gone for a few extra hours and MY lot in life is to be depressed cuz I have to be separated for MONTHS. 

Hateful.

In any case, I know all you other military wives out there know what I mean. I know it's not right to compare my trial with another person's. But it's a little bit difficult when I'm in the position I'm in. I feel like I'm a different species now that I'm an army wife. We're a different breed. I feel like the base amount of suckiness in my life is higher than your average newly weds. (And yes, we still count as newly weds. And we will continue to be until we get to spend at least a year straight under the same roof.)

Yes, I know this is flawed logic. Yes, I know that I should care about more things, and that less things should irritate me. I guess until I learn how to deal with this stupid thing (the deployment, of course. Not emotions.) I will just have to continue to be irritated/apathetic all the time.