Finding Peace in the Chaos

Holy cow- has it really been four months since my last post?? I feel like I'm slacking. I'll throw out an apology to anyone who feels like they need one. Haha

Sorry, guys.

Since we last met, Caleb has been promoted to a temporary position as Corporal to give him a little extra responsibility until he can be promoted to Sergeant, which will probably happen in January-ish. Woo! He has been playing sports like there's no tomorrow. He was on a football team, now a basketball team, and just played another small bout of football. 

Side note: I don't understand people who have this innate NEED to compete. I absolutely do NOT like to compete. For my husband, he's not having fun with an activity until he's competing. For me, I AM having fun until I'm competing. This, apparently is the reason he refuses to teach me to snowboard: because I'm not good enough (I'm not good at all, really) to compete with him and ride the "challenging slopes". Thus rendering me boring, apparently. Which would bother me if I cared more than not at all about snowboarding. 

Bahahaha!

I've been getting more involved with the FRG (Family Readiness Group- basically all the wives planning fun stuff to do.) and it has been a BLAST. I love the ladies who were picked to be our leaders, I love the other wives in my troop, and I love the opportunities that have been presented to me because of them. I even joined Crossfit, with a lot of encouragement from Kristin and awesome support from Emma in the form of being my ride there. They've both been great friends and great motivators for me.

I'm doing better(ish) with getting a little more business for my small apartment massage gig. Some of Caleb's single soldier friends have come over to get a massage, some more than once, and it's helped. I really enjoy the guys he's friends with. I try to actually befriend them and not just be "Haight's wife". I try to joke with them like we're buddies, so I guess it would be really awkward if we aren't. Hahaha

I spend most of my time with Jessica and her baby, though. We see each other basically every day, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I laugh harder with her than almost anyone else. Even when we're not doing anything, I always manage to enjoy my time with her. She gets me, ya know?? PLUS, A FEW DAYS AGO HER BABY WALKED FOR THE FIRST TIME- RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!! It was super cool.

(The fact that I am this excited about HER baby walking should probably give you an indication of her importance in my life. [hashtag]bestfriends)

So, this CRAZY thing happened the other day. I was under the impression that we had several months to decide if Caleb was re-enlisting and where we would go. We have been talking about it a little bit, but we never really decided on anything. I get a call from him a few days ago basically saying that there was a re-enlistment spot open and we needed to decide what to do, "time now".

OIY!

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to decide your future in like, 30 seconds?? Let me tell you, it's a stressful thing.

In a jumble of confusion and only half talking to me, he told the retention guy that we would probably stay here for another year and be sent somewhere else after. (We don't get to pick that "somewhere else" though, so there was some risk involved.) I asked Caleb if he had made that his final decision, and he said that he had not. He was going to go to a meeting with another retention guy to discuss which would be the better option, then we would talk about it more.

For those of you familiar with the way the army does things, this next part will not surprise you.

Turns out that the first retention guy just told the second retention guy that we had made our decision, so (without talking to us or having that meeting with Caleb to confirm anything) he put us down to stay in Germany an extra year.

Boom. Done. 

Just like that.

I was a little floored, to tell you the truth. Part of me felt like I hadn't even really made the decision- I felt like someone else had just made it for me. Luckily, it still was not technically set in stone at this point either. But Caleb and I talked about it, and since he is going to "try out" for a different unit in a few months anyway, we decided that staying this extra year would be the best option after all. I feel a lot better about it now that I know we definitely want it. Now that I feel like I actually got to have something to say about it.

Of course, this means another several years in the army. A couple years ago, I would have groaned. Probably complained. (Let's be honest, I will still probably do those things in the future.) Right now, though... I'm deciding to be okay with it. I'm accepting (very slowly) that this is going to be my life. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that it's probably going to be another 10 years before we're done with the army. I'm glad to have been able to spend this time in a foreign country with my husband, it'll be really cool to tell our kids one day. It's just sad that my very first impression of the army had to be them ROYALLY screwing me over. Maybe that's why it's taken me this long to start being okay with him staying in.

Baby steps, I guess.

Anyway, last, but not least...

 

Enjoy your families, food, and festivities!

Pondering Perception- Not for the Easily Confused

Perception is such a severely complicated thing. Especially the way humans form and use perception. We use our perception to determine how we feel/react to everything and everyone around us, and it's amazing that a little difference in perception can make two people see the same thing so vastly differently.

I never really noticed before how often this comes up in our every day lives. I've seen a lot of friends posting lately about how other people perceive them. For example, one of my sisters-in-law just posted that some people perceive that she doesn't put effort into the relationship- doesn't call enough, doesn't message enough, that sort of thing. The thing is, I personally think she is great at keeping in contact. She and I message constantly, and we're just sisters-in-law. So it doesn't make sense to me that any other member of her family should feel neglected if she does the same thing for them.

BUT!

What if their idea of enough contact is set at a far higher standard than mine? What if they perceive that unless you're talking every week or maybe every day, you're not getting enough contact? They perceive that she is being distant because she is not meeting their standards, which are different than hers because she was raised by someone else and grew up around different people- and therefore learned to expect different things.

Another example of perception is how we interpret how other people say things. I can think of almost no better example of this than myself. Apparently, I have a habit of saying things that I think are harmless in such a way that is offensive. Of course, I never mean to be offensive, but the people who hear me say these things have had different life experiences than I have, and maybe have even been taught that what I said should be taken offensively. But maybe someone else (being raised in a different environment) would think that what I said was meaningless. Societal and environmental conditioning plays a huge role here. 

Just recently, a girl I don't know very well stopped speaking to me because something I said offended her. As usual, my comment was, in my opinion, harmless. But all her personal life experiences and conditioning led her to interpret it very differently than I did. It's fascinating to me that the exact same set of words, just put in someone else's  mind, can mean something completely different.

Another thing that is interesting to me is how we all rally around our friends in these times. Let's say one of your friends posted a status about how someone called them "skanky", "immature", "stupid", c"razy", etc. If your experiences with that friend have been different, you obviously will disagree and probably stick up for your friend. I've seen several people comment on my friends' statuses saying something to the effect of, "That's not you at all, how can they even think that??" A lot of times people will even say, "Oh, they're just saying that because they're jealous/ignorant/have no self-esteem" etc, etc. That may be true, but most of the time what they said was probably their honest perception of your friend. You probably can't understand why they think that because you perceive how your friend acts in a completely different way. 

Unless, of course, that person happens to have said something true about your friend and your friend was just upset because the truth can be hurtful. That can also happen.

On the other hand, when that person goes to re-tell the story to their friends, the opposite will happen. Their friends might be appalled at the way your friend is acting. They will probably even congratulate this person for calling your friend out for doing whatever it was they did. When really, in your mind and your friends' mind, your friend didn't even do anything to begin with besides just acting how they normally do. But of course, different cultures deem different ways of life acceptable or not acceptable.

Let's say you don't trouble yourself with other people's trivial "drama"- you are not exempt from this madness. There will always be something you perceive differently than another person. Nature, a piece of art, the way a country should be run, even how to tie shoes properly or which way the toilet paper should roll.

There really is no escaping it.

When I was young, my parents always said:

"Their perception is their reality."

It blows my mind trying to think about how each of us is living in the same world, but we're all living in different realities. 

Our perception of other people, of life, and of how things are "supposed to be" is all over the place. This is why it is literally impossible to please everyone. Even though you might do something you deem completely right, it will be completely wrong in someone else's reality.

This, of course, also brings up all sorts of "live and let live" issues, but the fact of the matter is, I don't think that's possible either. No matter how tolerant of other people we might be, humans don't like their reality messed with. Getting frustrated with someone is inevitable. We will always want people who disagree with us to realize that their perception is wrong and ours is right, even if it is to the tiniest degree and desired with the purest intentions.

Kind of like how I wish people would realize that they don't have to say rude or cruel things to get their point across. It baffles me that people even think they have to be like that. In my reality, it's absurd. But those people were probably taught that you have to fight and be forceful in order to get anywhere in life, and my reality is absurd for being so passive.

In any case, back to my original point. This whole idea of perception is infinitely complicated. I really can't wrap my head around it. I guess what it comes down to is this: All we can do is live the BEST way we know how and try our hardest to treat everyone with dignity, honor, and respect- no matter how crazy or messed up their realities seem to be.

Finally Together Again

A year ago today (June 22nd), my husband left for an almost 10 month deployment in Afghanistan.

Read the post from that day here:
http://sairahaight.blogspot.de/2012/06/day-i-hoped-would-never-come.html

It was arguably one of the worst days of my life. The months that followed (as documented in my other blogs) definitely were like unto a roller coaster. This post will be the highlights, low-lights, and life lessons that came into my life because of this deployment.

At my lowest, I was MISERABLE. I felt like I was a terrible wife. I hated everyone and everything that had anything to do with Caleb having to leave me. I ESPECIALLY hated the army. I just wanted to curl into a ball and die- to give up on life and effort. During the times he couldn't talk to me, I was extra anxious and panic-y. I would think crazy thoughts about catching a plane to Afghanistan because I COULD NOT take the separation any longer. It didn't help that this was our second long-term separation. I was angry at God for putting me with the most wonderful man I had ever met, but then constantly taking him away from me.

Easily some of the most depressing days of my life happened in those 10 months.

At my highest, I was happy with what I chose to do with myself during the separation (massage school), having a good time with my friends and family, and soaking up all the good I could out of whatever I was doing. I had my family supporting me the whole time. While it was hard at times to have moved back in with my family, I loved the extra time I got to spend with them. I met great new friends, and spent quality time with old ones. I loved what I learned at school and loved the people I learned from and with. I am really glad I ended up choosing to do massage therapy school. The time seemed to drag on forever as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have anything to do. Plus, not only did I occupy my time with something positive, I now have a career I can take with me wherever I go. Definitely one of the better decisions I've made.

Caleb and I still found ways to make our love grow, despite the fact that our marriage had to rely solely on technology. Having a virtual marriage really blows, but when it's the only option you have, you make it work. Distance doesn't HAVE to tear people apart- it only does that if you're not meant to work out anyway. I sent him packages and he sent me gifts. We Skyped on all the major holidays and whenever else he could. We exchanged emails and pictures, he'd leave comments on my Facebook wall or pictures reminding me how much he cared about me, missed me, and loved me. Those little messages meant the entire world to me. They kept me going and would make me smile, even when my day had been awful. He was a lot stronger than I was, but toward the middle he had just as much of a hard time as I did.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I didn't know how I was going to make it. But what other choice did I have than to make it? Looking back, not only did I make it, I'd say that I came out better for it. Not that I am happy it had to happen, but I mean, I could have handled it a lot worse than I did. I mean, I didn't go crazy, I didn't cheat, and we didn't let the distance or stress ruin our marriage. I'd say that makes us pretty successful.

When he got back, I'm not going to lie, it was a little strange. See, out of the year and a half we've been married, only roughly 5 months of that has been spent together. So when he returned home, it was like I was reuniting with an old acquaintance. It didn't feel like I was married to this guy. It's hard to describe, but it was like having to get to know each other all over again. It kind of sucked, because I shouldn't have to feel that way about someone I'm married to.

The next month, however, was great. We took a real honeymoon and had basically the time of our lives. That awkward, "I feel like I don't know you" feeling we both had was gone within a few weeks. We just had to get used to being together again. We went from no time together at all, to not being apart for 24 hours a day, every day- that takes time to adjust to. But we didn't mind and were soon living it up in the beautiful Bahamas. It really did feel like we were newlyweds on our honeymoon.

We've been back in Germany about a month and a half now. Living, shopping, making plans and decisions, and spending time together. Things that get boring quickly for most people, I think. But if there is one thing that being apart has taught me, it is to not take ANYTHING for granted and cherish the little things more. I have a hard time doing things without him now. There is A LOT of time in our relationship that should have been spent together that we need to make up for. I guess there really isn't a way to make up for lost time (I can't exactly just add time to a day to make sure all the minutes we lost get added in again.) other than using the time we have now in a really great way. We are going out and doing fun things on the weekends and taking the time to really enjoy each other.

I love my husband more than ever and I am more happy than anything in the world that I get to be with him again. It's such a sweet feeling to be reunited again, knowing that I'm not going to have to give him up again for a good while. No more moving without me, no more deployment to dread, just he and I finally getting the time together we deserve. Now we can really start our life together, which is something I have been waiting for since July of 2011. It was really hard, but we rocked it. So distance can suck it- we won.

Sweetest victory EVER.

PART II: The Epic 3-Day Date and First Kiss

FIRSTLY: If you have not read part one, GO DO IT.

Please. :)
This post will be more pleasant if you do so.

Also, this is a little long, so brace yourself for...

PART II: THE EPIC 3-DAY DATE AND FIRST KISS

SO! We left off with Caleb's going away party that I walked away from with no knowledge that I would ever speak to him again.

A few weeks later, I'm at work when a buddy comes up to me and says, "Hey, Sairah. I've got this friend who I think you would get along really well with..."

Enter proposition for a blind date. Which I accepted because I had only been on one blind date and didn't think all of them could be that severely awkward.

Lesson learned.

Anyway, I give my friend my number so he could pass it on to this guy. A few hours later, I get a text saying something like, "Hi, is this Sairah?" I figured it had to be the Blind Date Guy (we'll call him BDG) texting me, so I just replied with a, "Yeah, who's this?" When he introduced himself as Caleb, I wasn't even thinking of the guy whose party I had gone to earlier that week- I was focused on the idea that I was talking to BDG. So when I asked "Sorry, Caleb who?" and he told me who he was... I was a little shocked. Not to mention, I had no idea how he got my number, 'cause I didn't give it to him.

In any case, we got to talking and he asked me on a date for that weekend. He mentioned that he had plans for the night he wanted to get together, so we should do a lunch date. My first thought was that he probably had another date that night. Hahaha :) But guess what?

I honestly didn't even care. I thought it was funny, even! I was like, 'Yeah, go him.' Not even a little bit offended or anything. Don't worry, I found out later that he really didn't have another date. My husband is a gentleman. :)

So Friday, the 11th of February, Caleb comes to get me for our date. He comes to the door, walks me to the car, and opens the door for me, very "gentleman" status. But here's where it gets better:

There was a single rose laying on the front seat, just staring up at me.

So, being as silly as I possibly could have been, my honest first thought was, 'Is this for me, or is this for the girl he's going to see tonight and he just forgot he put it there?'

Yes, that is really what I thought. I know, it was dumb. But imagine my pleasant surprise when I hear him start to explain that because he leaves for basic training on the 14th (that's Valentines Day, for those of you keeping track), that he wanted a Valentine to celebrate early with. Which I thought was THE most adorable thing he possibly could have done. I wanted to turn around and kiss him, but I refrained. I just gave him one of my super tight squeezes that are REALLY super awesome hugs instead. (Upon discussing this with Caleb later, apparently he would have been fine with the kissing thing. Go figure.)

From there we headed to a shooting range. He had obviously done this a time or two, and I had very obviously not. About half way into this escapade, he turns to me and says, "Lets have a competition."

I was not thrilled about this initially, due to the amount I sucked at shooting. But get this: the terms of this competition, as set by Caleb, went something like this:

"If you win, you get anything in the world you want. If I win, we go back to my place and watch Psych." (This is the part where that whole Psych conversation in Part I becomes important.) I was like, 'Holy cow! Is this guy even for real??' I'm pretty sure my face lit up so bright, it could have provided light to that whole room if they turned the lights off.

So, I lost (shocker, right?) and we got to go back to his place to watch Psych. I did have a roommate's birthday dinner to go to, so I had to leave right after the date. As Caleb was dropping me off, he said something to the effect of, "So, my plans for later fell through, if you want to come back when you're done." Uh, DUH I wanted to come back!!

So I did. :)

Reader's Digest version of our night is something to the effect of: his friend Kyle was over (which I didn't mind) and we went to Walmart to pick up all sorts of movie night snacks. I don't remember a lot about it, but I remember we laughed a lot and I had a good time. Then, we got back and ordered the BIGGEST PIZZA I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Here, take a look at this:

DO YOU COMPREHEND HOW BIG THIS PIZZA IS?!?!

Giant. Anyway, we had our ginormous pizza, our snacks, and Psych. Even though I was dropping every hint POSSIBLE, Caleb didn't start cuddling me until about half way through the night. Silly boy. :)

Later, his friend Kyle leaves and we decide to put in a movie. While this movie is loading, he comes to sit down on the couch, we start joking around, and...

BAM!

He kisses me.

Blindsided? Yeah, I was too. But it was a good kiss anyway. :)

So, as SUPER rare as this is for me, we actually ended up falling asleep in the middle of the movie. Keep in mind, it was probably almost 3 in the morning at this point. At least. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to my alarm for work. However, I decide I'm going to call in sick because I'm a little irresponsible and I wanted to sleep more.

Plus, I wanted more time with this super hot guy who seemed to not be getting sick of me.

That day consisted mostly of him making me breakfast (insert: "AWWW!" here) of eggs, toast, and Capri Suns, and mostly a combination of chatting and making out for the next few hours. I did have to go to my mom's birthday dinner that night, so I had to leave again. And just like the day before, Caleb extended an invitation to return. :)

This time, I returned with all the makins for french toast. When I finally got back to his place that night, we tried to put in a movie, but we were both so tired from staying up so late the night before that we both literally fell asleep within about half an hour.

The next day (the 13th), I made him french toast as he packed for basic training. At one point, he walked up the stairs, came up behind me as I cooked, and wrapped his arms around me. I was so happy in that moment, I had the biggest grin on my face. Little did I know that this was a glimpse into our future. :)

That night he had a dinner plans with his family and after only three days of knowing him, he invited me to join them. I was a little weirded out, but I went with it. I'm not shy! Just before dinner he actually asked me how I would feel about dropping him off at his hotel in SLC that he had to report to that night. I was again, shocked. Whoever dropped him off was the last person (from UT) he would see for the next 3 years! And he wanted me to be that person?? I was shocked, but I thought it was super great and adorable.

So, I drop him off at this hotel and he tells me that this was only supposed to be a short briefing and then he would be free for the next couple hours. Keep in mind, this is the 3rd time he's done this in the last three days. Think he liked me much? :P

After his briefing was over, I gave him my address (which he requested that I give him so he could write me, and I gave it despite thinking he wouldn't.) and we hit the town. Chocolate donuts and hot chocolate from a gas station, driving around downtown, and ending up parking in front of the Capitol building.

As it's almost time for him to go, I drive him back to the hotel to say goodbye. I give him another one of my super awesome hugs and try to be as adorable as possible. And for the 4th time that weekend, he says that he wants to see me again. "If we end up leaving late, can I see you tomorrow?" 

HOW SWEET IS HE?!

Sad story time: He DID end up leaving on time, so I couldn't see him the next day. But get this: He texted me THE WHOLE DAY. When he had to start boarding planes, he would text me until the second he boarded the plane, and then he texted me the second they landed. He did that for every single flight he went through. It's amazing that even after asking to see me again four separate times throughout the weekend, AND doing all the other adorable things he had done for me, I still didn't believe he would write me. I hoped he would, but I kinda figured he wouldn't.

Once again, I was happy to be proven wrong.

PART I: Before the Beginning (And Some of the Beginning)

I've been meaning to write this for some time now. What is "this", you ask? 

My and Caleb's story. 

A story about true, enduring love that is so crazy and nonsensical, some have deemed it a fairytale.

How we met, our first date (Yes, the story of our first date *IS* so epic that it gets an entire post all to itself), how we fell in love, how we got engaged, etc... You're gonna hear it all. The two year anniversary of the weekend we started falling in love is next month, so I wanted to start this now in case it takes me a month to finish.

PART I: BEFORE THE BEGINNING

Our story begins (sort of) in 2009. No, we didn't meet until 2011. So how can a story start two years before it began? I'll explain.

I'd like to demonstrate how fate (or God, whichever you believe in more) had a HUGE hand in bringing Caleb and I together.

I was just out of high school and working for a company called Western Wats. Without getting boring, I will just tell you that I was semi-promoted to a different position in a different building where I met Amber Biggs. I really enjoyed her company and we became friends.

After a while, she introduced me to a company called Primerica. I did not do well with this company. I did, however, come away kind of starting to date a guy from that company named Seth. While Seth and I were "dating", I met his roommate, Chad. When Seth and I fizzled out, Chad asked me to go on a blind date with one of his friends. This friend just happened to be a kid who was one of Caleb's best friends for YEARS.

However, this is not the part of the story where I meet Caleb.

I went on this blind (and thankfully GROUP) date, where I met a friend of Chad's. TJ was his name, and his date bailed at the last minute, but he came anyway. A few weeks later, TJ had my number and he and I became a couple.

Jump forward only a few months later and we're in 2010. I had been graduated for a while and DESPERATELY needed to move out. I had been talking to TJ about this for a few weeks, so when one of his friends texted him about a room for rent in a house in Sandy, he let me know. If Katrina had never sent that text to TJ, I would never have moved to that area specifically. Fast forward several months and I was officially a resident of The House on Loma Way.

If I hadn't moved to Sandy, I wouldn't have joined the singles ward up there, causing me to never meet John and Adam, who would subsequently have never invited me to a movie night where their roommate/my future husband and I would set eyes on each other for the first time.

Ladies and gentleman... If you don't believe in destiny, I hope I can convince you to. It is CRAZY to me that a decision I made in 2009 relating only to where I would work, would create a domino effect of everything that needed to happen in order for me to meet my husband. If  my friend Brent hadn't introduced me to this job, I would have worked at some other insignificant job. I would never have taken the position they offered me that led me to meet Amber. I could have not chosen to move in with complete strangers. But the crazy thing is that I DID make those decisions! Not knowing that they were all leading me to the most amazing person I've ever met.

And I am POSITIVE that they did not happen by accident.

Now, THIS is the part of the story where I meet Caleb. :)

Caleb was about to leave for basic training and I heard someone ask him about a girl during this movie night event. I thought this guy was cute, but I didn't even remotely see things going anywhere.

 This particular night, I wanted to watch Psych REALLY badly. (This part will be important in my next post, I promise.) Even though everyone was trying to decide what movie to watch, every time a suggestion came up, I would insert my two cents.

"Hey, should we watch this one?"

"Guys, let's watch Psych!"

"Maybe. What do we think of either of these movies?"

"No, no. We should watch Psych!"

"Hey, do you have that one movie that just came out?"

"It's not out on DVD yet. LET'S WATCH PSYCH!"

Eventually no one could make up their minds, so we watched Psych. And everyone loved it. People should really learn to listen to me the first time. :)

ANYWAY, as the night went on, Caleb and I didn't interact one-on-one very much. We mutually participated in the group discussion, but nothing really significant. As it grew later, our friends left one by one until I was the only remaining guest. And I have no explanation as to why, but I was dawdling.

HARDCORE DAWDLING.

Mostly just chatting with John, Adam, and Caleb, but I was putting on my shoes and gathering my things much slower than was necessary. It was getting pretty late, though. Maybe it was because he was tired and wanted me out, or maybe it was because he could tell I was getting more intrigued with this Caleb kid. I'm not sure why John said what he did next, but I'm happy he did.

"Hey, Caleb, why don't you walk Sairah out to her car?"

So he did.

Anticlimactic alert: Nothing happened. Ok, a hug happened. But nothing else happened. He didn't ask for my number or to see me again... nothing. I assumed it was because he was serious with this girl I had heard someone asking about earlier. So I was bummed, but I let it go. He was leaving for basic training anyway. I had already sworn to not ever get involved with military guys, so I just moved on.

 

John texts me inviting me to a going away party for this Caleb guy. He was just a week away from leaving for basic training. It was a barbeque. I wasn't about to say no to free barbeque, despite the fact that I didn't know this kid very well. So I show up and, to my surprise, Caleb is FAR more attentive this time. I noticed (after testing my theory a few times) that he was actually TRYING to be in the same room I was and interact with me. I figured that this hussy he was dating before was out of the picture.

I was WRONG.

She shows up and wants to talk, so he disappears for like a year.

Just kidding. Maybe only an hour and a half.

Anyway, I got a chance to start chatting with his younger brother, Casey. We got along really well and ended up chatting until I decided that it was time for me to go. I decided I was going to go find Caleb to say goodbye. Luckily, I didn't have to interrupt anything awkward because he was coming up the stairs right then. When I told him I was leaving, he seemed genuinely put out. But again, didn't ask for my number, didn't ask to see me again... nothing. So I went home expecting to never see this kid again.

Luckily, I was wrong about that too. :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

At the Close of the Year the World Was Supposed to End...

I'd say, "It's been a while", but that would be kind of a boring start.

Although, it is true.

So, now we're at 6 months down. These are turbulent times. But that's really how it is being the wife of a deployed soldier. Emotions all over the place. Maybe some aren't as "bipolar" as I am, but it kind of gets crazy. I know that normal wives have bad and good days, so this doesn't sound any different from a normal wife's life. However, when there's a certain level of anxiety in the back of your head at all times (again, above and beyond that of a normal wife's), it makes things a little different.

 It's hard to describe without sounding like I want to be pitied, but the point of this blog is to help others get a glimpse into what it's like being an army wife with a deployed husband. Or at least the "Sairah version" of an army wife with a deployed husband.

So here it is.

Lately, the hardest part has been when I am having a rough day and I know that the only person who can make me feel better is him. I just need him to hold me... but he's not here. That part is still a little difficult to get past. It was way worse at first- I would cry every time I missed him. Now, I really only cry when I'm having a hard day and just wish he could be here to give me a huge hug and cuddle for a while. You'd never guess (nor believe it, because I never did) that it gets better, but it has. The bad days get less bad. Less frequent. I'm happy or at least neutral more of the time.

When we hit the half way mark, it really didn't feel as glorious as I anticipated. It didn't really feel like the landmark I thought it would be. Now, the New Year... That will REALLY feel like a landmark. I will really feel like we've made progress. Only a few more months to wait after that. I feel like knowing this has helped me have more good days recently. We still have a while, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. More motivation to just push through and get it done. It gets easier as the end gets closer. 

Besides a few rough days where I've had to fight the Mood Swing Monster, I have been doing mostly well, actually. Not being in school is making time go twice as slow, so a small part of me can't wait to go back. Planning our trip has made me much cheerier as well. I'm thrilled the world didn't end, because that would have been a depressing waste of time for me.

The update on Caleb is that he has not been able to contact me as much lately due to the fact that he's out doing what he deems "the fun stuff" again. I think everyone can guess how I feel about that. But he's happier than he was before when he was cooped up in the office.

Anyway, that's what's new. This is the countdown thing I've been doing. Just seeing the majority of the "pie" as green is very happy.

 

190. That's quite a big number. Smaller than the number of days we have left, which is the most important part. Cheers.

An Attempt At Sanity

Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything.  I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.

Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?

 Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.

And this is what I came up with:

Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that. 

Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.

So I should just stop complaining, right?

Probably.

I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.

I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.

I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes: