PART I: Before the Beginning (And Some of the Beginning)

I've been meaning to write this for some time now. What is "this", you ask? 

My and Caleb's story. 

A story about true, enduring love that is so crazy and nonsensical, some have deemed it a fairytale.

How we met, our first date (Yes, the story of our first date *IS* so epic that it gets an entire post all to itself), how we fell in love, how we got engaged, etc... You're gonna hear it all. The two year anniversary of the weekend we started falling in love is next month, so I wanted to start this now in case it takes me a month to finish.

PART I: BEFORE THE BEGINNING

Our story begins (sort of) in 2009. No, we didn't meet until 2011. So how can a story start two years before it began? I'll explain.

I'd like to demonstrate how fate (or God, whichever you believe in more) had a HUGE hand in bringing Caleb and I together.

I was just out of high school and working for a company called Western Wats. Without getting boring, I will just tell you that I was semi-promoted to a different position in a different building where I met Amber Biggs. I really enjoyed her company and we became friends.

After a while, she introduced me to a company called Primerica. I did not do well with this company. I did, however, come away kind of starting to date a guy from that company named Seth. While Seth and I were "dating", I met his roommate, Chad. When Seth and I fizzled out, Chad asked me to go on a blind date with one of his friends. This friend just happened to be a kid who was one of Caleb's best friends for YEARS.

However, this is not the part of the story where I meet Caleb.

I went on this blind (and thankfully GROUP) date, where I met a friend of Chad's. TJ was his name, and his date bailed at the last minute, but he came anyway. A few weeks later, TJ had my number and he and I became a couple.

Jump forward only a few months later and we're in 2010. I had been graduated for a while and DESPERATELY needed to move out. I had been talking to TJ about this for a few weeks, so when one of his friends texted him about a room for rent in a house in Sandy, he let me know. If Katrina had never sent that text to TJ, I would never have moved to that area specifically. Fast forward several months and I was officially a resident of The House on Loma Way.

If I hadn't moved to Sandy, I wouldn't have joined the singles ward up there, causing me to never meet John and Adam, who would subsequently have never invited me to a movie night where their roommate/my future husband and I would set eyes on each other for the first time.

Ladies and gentleman... If you don't believe in destiny, I hope I can convince you to. It is CRAZY to me that a decision I made in 2009 relating only to where I would work, would create a domino effect of everything that needed to happen in order for me to meet my husband. If  my friend Brent hadn't introduced me to this job, I would have worked at some other insignificant job. I would never have taken the position they offered me that led me to meet Amber. I could have not chosen to move in with complete strangers. But the crazy thing is that I DID make those decisions! Not knowing that they were all leading me to the most amazing person I've ever met.

And I am POSITIVE that they did not happen by accident.

Now, THIS is the part of the story where I meet Caleb. :)

Caleb was about to leave for basic training and I heard someone ask him about a girl during this movie night event. I thought this guy was cute, but I didn't even remotely see things going anywhere.

 This particular night, I wanted to watch Psych REALLY badly. (This part will be important in my next post, I promise.) Even though everyone was trying to decide what movie to watch, every time a suggestion came up, I would insert my two cents.

"Hey, should we watch this one?"

"Guys, let's watch Psych!"

"Maybe. What do we think of either of these movies?"

"No, no. We should watch Psych!"

"Hey, do you have that one movie that just came out?"

"It's not out on DVD yet. LET'S WATCH PSYCH!"

Eventually no one could make up their minds, so we watched Psych. And everyone loved it. People should really learn to listen to me the first time. :)

ANYWAY, as the night went on, Caleb and I didn't interact one-on-one very much. We mutually participated in the group discussion, but nothing really significant. As it grew later, our friends left one by one until I was the only remaining guest. And I have no explanation as to why, but I was dawdling.

HARDCORE DAWDLING.

Mostly just chatting with John, Adam, and Caleb, but I was putting on my shoes and gathering my things much slower than was necessary. It was getting pretty late, though. Maybe it was because he was tired and wanted me out, or maybe it was because he could tell I was getting more intrigued with this Caleb kid. I'm not sure why John said what he did next, but I'm happy he did.

"Hey, Caleb, why don't you walk Sairah out to her car?"

So he did.

Anticlimactic alert: Nothing happened. Ok, a hug happened. But nothing else happened. He didn't ask for my number or to see me again... nothing. I assumed it was because he was serious with this girl I had heard someone asking about earlier. So I was bummed, but I let it go. He was leaving for basic training anyway. I had already sworn to not ever get involved with military guys, so I just moved on.

 

John texts me inviting me to a going away party for this Caleb guy. He was just a week away from leaving for basic training. It was a barbeque. I wasn't about to say no to free barbeque, despite the fact that I didn't know this kid very well. So I show up and, to my surprise, Caleb is FAR more attentive this time. I noticed (after testing my theory a few times) that he was actually TRYING to be in the same room I was and interact with me. I figured that this hussy he was dating before was out of the picture.

I was WRONG.

She shows up and wants to talk, so he disappears for like a year.

Just kidding. Maybe only an hour and a half.

Anyway, I got a chance to start chatting with his younger brother, Casey. We got along really well and ended up chatting until I decided that it was time for me to go. I decided I was going to go find Caleb to say goodbye. Luckily, I didn't have to interrupt anything awkward because he was coming up the stairs right then. When I told him I was leaving, he seemed genuinely put out. But again, didn't ask for my number, didn't ask to see me again... nothing. So I went home expecting to never see this kid again.

Luckily, I was wrong about that too. :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

At the Close of the Year the World Was Supposed to End...

I'd say, "It's been a while", but that would be kind of a boring start.

Although, it is true.

So, now we're at 6 months down. These are turbulent times. But that's really how it is being the wife of a deployed soldier. Emotions all over the place. Maybe some aren't as "bipolar" as I am, but it kind of gets crazy. I know that normal wives have bad and good days, so this doesn't sound any different from a normal wife's life. However, when there's a certain level of anxiety in the back of your head at all times (again, above and beyond that of a normal wife's), it makes things a little different.

 It's hard to describe without sounding like I want to be pitied, but the point of this blog is to help others get a glimpse into what it's like being an army wife with a deployed husband. Or at least the "Sairah version" of an army wife with a deployed husband.

So here it is.

Lately, the hardest part has been when I am having a rough day and I know that the only person who can make me feel better is him. I just need him to hold me... but he's not here. That part is still a little difficult to get past. It was way worse at first- I would cry every time I missed him. Now, I really only cry when I'm having a hard day and just wish he could be here to give me a huge hug and cuddle for a while. You'd never guess (nor believe it, because I never did) that it gets better, but it has. The bad days get less bad. Less frequent. I'm happy or at least neutral more of the time.

When we hit the half way mark, it really didn't feel as glorious as I anticipated. It didn't really feel like the landmark I thought it would be. Now, the New Year... That will REALLY feel like a landmark. I will really feel like we've made progress. Only a few more months to wait after that. I feel like knowing this has helped me have more good days recently. We still have a while, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. More motivation to just push through and get it done. It gets easier as the end gets closer. 

Besides a few rough days where I've had to fight the Mood Swing Monster, I have been doing mostly well, actually. Not being in school is making time go twice as slow, so a small part of me can't wait to go back. Planning our trip has made me much cheerier as well. I'm thrilled the world didn't end, because that would have been a depressing waste of time for me.

The update on Caleb is that he has not been able to contact me as much lately due to the fact that he's out doing what he deems "the fun stuff" again. I think everyone can guess how I feel about that. But he's happier than he was before when he was cooped up in the office.

Anyway, that's what's new. This is the countdown thing I've been doing. Just seeing the majority of the "pie" as green is very happy.

 

190. That's quite a big number. Smaller than the number of days we have left, which is the most important part. Cheers.

An Attempt At Sanity

Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything.  I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.

Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?

 Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.

And this is what I came up with:

Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that. 

Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.

So I should just stop complaining, right?

Probably.

I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.

I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.

I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:

Everyday is a Battle

So, this morning was ultra, super, mega awful. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I cried. 

And may have gotten a ticket.

It seriously wasn't a good morning.

On top of PMSing and not hearing from Caleb for a few days, I was already having a hard time emotionally. This did not help things at all.

Think about this:

Everyone has to go through the normal hardships of daily life, but now I (and all the other wives in my unit) have to deal with them on top of going though the hardships of deployment. It really makes things that much worse.

Here's the thing, tho. I realized today that I don't have to look at these daily things as punishment or just being added to the suckiness that I'm already dealing with. This deployment makes everyday a challenge. I can either let each day defeat me, or I can defeat IT. I don't have to let everyday win. I can beat it. I don't have to let these daily challenges make me give up. 

Everyday is a battle, and I am not going to let today win.

Or the day after that.

I may get wounded every once in a while, but I won't let that stop me from fighting.

The End.

Finally Believing in Myself

The weirdest thing just happened to me. It started with deciding to make myself a cup of chocolate milk. (No, that's not the weird part. Chocolate milk is awesome.) When I went to reach for a cup, I saw my Army Wife mug. Showing here:

Isn't it beautiful??

Anyway, the point is, look at the words.

"Army Wife"

It really hit me that this is my title. That's who I am. This wave of pride came over me unexpectedly. I really felt it. I don't know how to describe it, but it was just this random epiphany that I am an Army wife. Not just any wife, an ARMY WIFE.

I've said it before: Army wives are a different breed. We go through a lot more than an average wife, and we do it with a special kind of strength and love only Army wives can understand. We are incredibly strong and even though none of us really knows how we do it, we do it anyway! Despite all the drama you may see on TV (or whatever drama happens in real life), we make significant bonds with other wives, friends, and our husbands that no one but our kind can. We kind of rock.

As most of you know, when I was younger, I NEVER wanted this. I just KNEW that I couldn't handle it. I was CERTAIN. Looking back, I wondered why that girl ever doubted herself. I didn't give my potential enough credit. I am getting stronger all the time. I don't mean to say that I enjoy having to do this, but when I saw that cup, it gave me this sense of accomplishment. I've got one of the hardest jobs in the world, and I'm not letting it ruin me or my marriage.

I'm so proud of my husband, and for once, I am really proud of myself.

 Now I'm realizing what I can do. So many people have told me to use this time to work on building myself as an individual. I never really understood what that meant, so (besides starting school) I haven't done anything that would incite that progress. In reality, this deployment has been doing it behind my back the whole time. haha

Anyway, I just wanted to share this moment of pride with you. I don't know how long it will last, but I've finally found it. I feel like that's the important part.

Cherish All The Moments

Maybe I jinxed myself after all...

So here's my problem: Today in one of my classes, one of my teachers made a comment that went something like this:

"You know that feeling when a loved one leaves you, even just for a night, and your heart just shatters?"

As a matter of fact, I know exactly what you mean, teacher. Ever since that point, I have been thinking (more than usual) about  how much I miss my husband. It kills me a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but every time one of my married friends posts a picture of them and their spouse, my heart breaks a little. I'm so jealous. That's the life *I* should have. The one where I get to see my husband every day.

I'm so proud of Caleb, but missing him hurts a lot and I sure wish I didn't have to live without him.

I still haven't broken down (knock on wood), so I guess that's... progress? A good thing, for sure. Going to bed tonight might be hard, but I'll get over it.

My friends, if you are married or have a significant other of any kind you get to see on a daily or even weekly basis, please be grateful. Please remember how lucky you are to even spend time with them. It's REALLY not easy doing this. In fact, I'd even submit that it is hard. It would make me so happy to know that those of you who have the privilege of being with the one you love are making the most of it and never taking them for granted.

I love you all, and am so glad to have you in my life. Have a great day, and cherish every moment. ♥

Maybe I'm Stronger Than I Think I Am?

Welcome back, dear friends.

First of all, I feel like I have been in school for a million years. Really it's only been a few months, but the days are SO LONG that it seems to go on forever. If I were in regular college, I don't think I could FUNCTION knowing that I had another 4 years of this. Anatomy is destroying me.I thought I had a good handle on it, but then we started muscles. After the last few lessons, I literally just want to hide in a corner and cry.

^^ That's me after my anatomy class.

LITERALLY.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We only have school 3 days a week now! 4 days a week was getting to be a bit overwhelming. I also gave my sister the first full-body massage I've done outside school today. I'm pretty sure I did okay by school standards. It's hard to remember everything when I'm learning a million things at once. Not really stoked about clinic for that reason. And the fact that they expect us to give 5 massages straight on our first day.

Anyway, moving on to happier things. I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that Fall is approaching. For those who know me well, this may come as a shock on account of:

I hate the cold. 

No need to fret, this fact is still as true as ever. But there's something about this fall that has me yearning for it to come faster. Just think of all the amazing things that only this time of year can bring! The smell of pumpkin/citrus/spice in stores and homes, the leaves turning brilliant shades of orange and yellow, busting out adorable sweaters, wrapping up in plushy, warm blankets and snuggling up with a loved one (or a good book, your computer, or mug of hot cocoa in front of the TV, for those of us whose loved ones are far away.), going to corn mazes or shopping "villages" which have been transformed into a magical autumn wonderland... Not to mention that after my first severely uncomfortable summer in garments, I am ready for not-so-hot weather.

Of course, one of the most obvious reasons I am stoked about Fall is that it means the half way point of Caleb's deployment is almost here! Even though it will only be half over, there's something about knowing that we're halfway there that makes me stronger. 

It's like going on a hike to the top of a mountain. The hardest part is getting to the top, and you're really proud of yourself when you get there, even though you're really only half way to the end of your journey! You've still gotta climb back down, right? But we all know that the climb down is easier. I guess that's kind of how I feel. I made it though one half, and for some reason I feel like that will make the second half easier.

Speaking of the deployment, I have good news to share with you. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm kinda proud of myself. Despite the fact that I'm PMSing a fair bit, I haven't had any hardcore sad days in a while. I'm taking this by the horns right now and totally rocking it. I know I won't stay this way forever, but I am relishing it while I can. I'm not depressed! I'm not miserable! I still hate that he's gone (and still dislike the army QUITE a bit), mind you. But I'm at a good place with the deployment, emotionally. 

Maybe it's because the halfway point is coming up.

Maybe it's because I'm in such a good mood due to Fall's arrival.

And maybe it's because I'm so consumed with hatred for my life when I'm sitting in anatomy that I've used up my quota, and I don't have any more hatred left for my day-to-day life. (Is everyone understanding how I feel about anatomy? Sometimes I don't know if I'm expressing it adequately.)

My point is that I'm turning out to be handling this a lot better than I thought I could. Maybe it's just a phase, but at least I have these peaceful times to get me by when the storm rages and I can't live without him again. I am so grateful for the strength I am finding in myself. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there- and that's the important part!