My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.

Today and College Have Something In Common- They Both Suck.

I'm going to start out by saying that I am not handling this deployment as well as I was last week. Today really sucked. There are reasons it sucked, but the story is long. The short version is that I was hoping my husband had an excuse for not calling me as much as the other soldiers called their wives, but he doesn't, and it makes me feel like I'm not as important as their husbands seem to think they are. 

So, today sucks because I don't feel important. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm kind of pretty upset about it. To take my mind off of it, I'm going to write. Because writing helps.

 

I haven't started college yet because frankly, I hate the idea of college. I know we are supposed to get a higher education, but when the idea of going to college makes you want to throw up, punch a baby penguin, and flee the country all at the same time, it really doesn't give you motivation to start. Maybe if I could ONLY take the classes I wanted, but I have to take all the classes "The Man" wants me to take (which includes math, and I hate math). I mean, if a mission is not for everyone, why is a traditional college?

But just before I came home, I signed up for school. Not regular school. UCMT (Utah College of Massage Therapy). I went into the actual campus the other day to get some financial aid stuff done and to sign some papers to officially sign myself up for school. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of anxious about it.

Partly because I've never done it before, and partly because I know there is a possibility that some soldiers in my husband's unit could come home early. If he comes home early, they will go back to Germany and then they will get a month off. But the problem is, I will be in school. So not only will we not even really get to spend that time together, he'll have to be in Germany while I am in the states- again. If that happens, I am going to be PISSED. But I suppose it's worth the stress to get some kind of further education, seeing as how I don't wanna do regular college. Maybe later.

But it ended up being okay. One of the ladies there was super nice and she took really great care of me. I took my laptop and she saw the picture of Caleb and I saying goodbye, and she asked about him. When I told her that he was deployed, she was really empathetic and really wanted to help me out as much as possible. I still have no idea if I'm going to enjoy it or not, but at least I'm doing something with my life.

Right?...

A Surprise and A Closet Patriot

So, not much has happened since I last wrote. Oh yeah, except that I surprised my family by coming home this last Wednesday instead of September 15th, like I told them I would be.

I would tell people on Facebook that I wasn't coming home until September, I had a couple of my friends come pick me up from the airport, they helped me take my bags all sneaky to the side of the house so that my mom wouldn't see them if she looked out the window... The whole 9 yards.

I even went as far as to plan a Skype date with them for the day after I knew I'd arrive. I pretended my phone didn't work and that I "wasn't getting my mom's texts" thru the whole day, when really I was just flying. 

I came to the door at about 1:00am, and just rang the doorbell. It took them a second, but Chance and Amanda came to the door. Chance was the first one to see me, and he just kinda looked at me for a second with a look that said, "Is this real life??" Then he was like, "OH MY GOSH!" and came up and gave me a big hug. Amanda was like, "What?!" and then she saw me and was all, "OH MY HECK!" and ran screaming through the house saying, "Mom! Dad! It's SAIRAH!! SAIRAH'S HERE!!"

It was the most awesome surprise ever. And I can't believe I pulled it off. Like a boss.


 Next item of business: 
IT'S ALMOST THE 4TH OF JULY!!! 

   

  


Now, I haven't always been this excited about Independence Day. If I was, it was only because my family has this sweet tradition of going to the hill next to the Provo temple, laying out a picnic blanket and eating Subway while waiting for the Stadium of Fire to do their fireworks. But this year, I feel like decorating pretty much everything in red, white, and blue.

Any guesses as to why? No? Ok, I'll tell you.

It's my love for my soldier. A soldier who I am more proud of than anything/anyone in the whole world. MY soldier. Who is doing one of the most dangerous jobs in the army (which terrifies me a little) because he loves his country.

And because he's an adrenaline junkie.

Now, I've always been grateful for the fact that we, as Americans can pretty much do whatever we want (within the law, of course). I do recognize some countries don't have the same blessings we do. However, I've never been one of those people who goes crazy about it. Let me give you an example.

Let's say... football. I like football enough. I won't go out of my way to make a huge deal about how much I like it, but I do. HOWEVER, if my husband played for a specific team, I would go to every game. I would plaster his team's logo all over the place. I would buy team merchandise. I would support the team unconditionally simply because my husband played on the team.


Well, the team my husband has chosen to play on is Team USA. And because I love him SO STINKING MUCH, I am going to be extra patriotic, almost by default. Which makes me more excited than usual to celebrate America's birthday this year. I guess that's what happens when you're in love.


And believe me, I am definitely in love.

The Day I Hoped Would Never Come

Current statuses: Caleb just got off the bus at the air base (and is probably getting briefed right now, judging by his lack of response to my texts) and Sairah is kinda, pretty much a wreck. I'm sitting in our apartment, by myself, with all the lights on and blinds up, because being surrounded by light makes me feel not so alone. Music is also running in the background so I don't feel completely abandoned.

I woke up just as early as Caleb did this morning, so I should take a nap, but I just can't bring myself to do it. It feels too weird, too empty, to sleep in our bed without him. Nothing feels right. Not sleeping, not cleaning, not eating, even just being here doesn't feel right. But going out into the world wouldn't feel right either, knowing he's not just a 10 minute drive away anymore.

I'd have to compare it to having a really bad cold or something. I feel awkward just being in my own body. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, but I can't stay in this house. (And today was supposed to be my shower day, so the fact that I'm not motivated to do anything is not very good news for my hygiene.) My stomach is growling from not having anything to eat since this morning, but I feel too sick to my stomach to put anything in it.

His leaving today brought all kinds of crazy emotions. I've been crying on and off for a few days, and I thought I would lose it last night, but I didn't. Well, only a little. Our beautiful goodbye story started yesterday night.

I told him a few weeks ago that all I wanted to do for our anniversary was to read the letters we wrote while he was in basic and read the notes in our piggy bank.

Our piggy bank notes were an idea that Caleb suggested to me in the same letter that he told me he wanted to marry me. The idea was to buy a piggy bank, and once a week we'd write down a memory that meant something to us, address it to the other person, and put it in the piggy bank- only to be opened on our first anniversary.

It definitely didn't turn out to be a weekly thing, and we obviously can't open it on our real anniversary, so we just settled with reading them all last night.

So we read almost all the letters and we read all the piggy bank notes, reliving memories that meant something to each of us, and it was beautiful.

I had made the decision earlier that I was not going to sleep this particular night. I wanted to soak up every single remaining second with him. So he laid his head on my chest and fell asleep and I held him in my arms while I played solitaire and Word Warp, Facebooked, and listened to the thunderstorm. And it was sad, but beautiful.

The next morning (today), I drove with him to work so that as soon as he had some free time I could eat breakfast with him. I was so excited because he actually had several hours of free time. We ate breakfast, drove home (which he wasn't supposed to do, technically, so I'm trusting you all to not tell on him.), did grown-up stuff, and took a short nap with his remaining free time. Sorry to be a little graphic, but it really meant a lot that we were able to embrace each other as husband a wife one final time before he left. When it's more about love than lust, it's a beautiful thing. We fell asleep for a short nap cuddling very close, and it was beautiful.

Then we had to go back to base so they could start loading the trucks and buses. It was about 9:40 when we got there, and the buses weren't due to leave until noon. We sat at tables in the motor pool (where they keep all the trucks and stuff) for a while. Holding hands, giving kisses, hugging, wrapping our arms around each other... Just being near one another as long as we could. Only leaving each others' side when he was asked to help load stuff for a little bit. We got to be so close, make each other laugh, and fall a little more in love just before he left, and it was beautiful.

Waiting in the motor pool. It amazes me daily how handsome he is. ♥

Then came the time I had been dreading since I got here in February. One of the officers announced that they would have a prayer (which was actually very good), and then we had 10 minutes to say our final goodbyes before they had to board the bus.

Almost ready to board the bus. You can hardly tell I'd been practically sobbing just minutes before.

I cried a little more, he held me very tightly, we said "I love you" a billion times, took a few more pictures, and shared what I would deem the most amazing kiss we have had our entire relationship.

This wasn't actually THE kiss I'm about to describe, but it was one of the last before he had to go.

It was so full of emotion, love, and meaning. The kind of kiss that only comes when both people are feeling so raw that you're practically oozing love from every pore. The kind of kiss that makes you fall more in love with the other person simply because you can tell how much it means to both of you, like your lives depend on it. The kind of kiss that literally felt like it made time slow down for those 10, blissful seconds. 

Google defines ecstasy as: An overwhelming feeling of great happiness or joyful excitement. I'm pretty sure that's the most accurate way to describe it, and it was BEAUTIFUL.

This was taken by one of the photographers who was just walking around. SO. TENDER. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Anyway, now that you all have a pretty clear idea of how much I loved that kiss, I'll move on to the goodbye. I had to watch my other half, my entire world, walk away from me and into formation. I then turned around and saw the girl who I'd been talking to for a good portion of the time we were waiting in the motor pool. She, her husband, and their two boys were at the same table with us. Her eyes were just as teary as mine, we looked at each other and immediately knew what to do: HUG. Both of her boys were crying, which didn't make it any easier on us. The older boy actually came over to me, wrapped his arms around my legs as he cried, and held on for at least a few minutes. My heart broke even more- for this little boy who just lost his daddy, and for myself.

Just about to step onto the bus to leave. :'( </3

Another girl from our troop came over to join us in the tear-fest and we just stood together and hugged, closer friends than we were even just 30 seconds prior to that moment. It's crazy how much love I felt for these girls, my B Troop sisters, who were/are hurting just like me. The fact that we were there for each other at that moment of need was incredibly bonding, and it was beautiful. (I don't actually know how they felt about it, but that was my take, anyway.)

As much as it totally sucks that he's leaving, I couldn't have asked for a more graceful departure. If it had happened any other way, it probably would have been a lot harder for me. Thank God for that.

It's been almost six hours since he left, and that seems a little weird to me. I just can't believe he's gone. I know it will hit me, and continue to hit me for the entire deployment. But for now, I'm just going to begin taking it one day at a time. Wish me luck.

♥

If you're not sick of reading by now, I'd like to share another beautiful part of my day with you. Caleb is still in the country, and is only a few hours away until further notice. We exchanged texts on his trip there, of course. I don't know how happy he will be with me sharing this with you, but I want you to see how incredible and amazingly adorable he can be. But don't tell him you saw anything. Haha

Ladies and gentlemen, this is love.

Choice or Genetics?: The Homosexuality Conundrum

This post is inspired by the blog written by Josh Weed. Read his full post here:

http://www.joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

It is long (roughly 6,000 words according to an article I read.), but it is very well written and moving. This post doesn't have to do with what is in his post directly, but it addresses a topic related to it.

Let me preface this post with a few points:

1. I am not personally homosexual, so I really don't know if what I'm about to share with you is true or not. It is a theory I formed when I looked at the only two options society placed before me and thought, "There has to be another option." If I'm completely, totally, despicably off base, feel free to correct me.

2. This is coming from the point of view of a heterosexual member of the LDS church. THIS DOES NOT MEAN I HATE GAY PEOPLE. However, it is the belief of my religion that a male body was made to fit in a female body (apology for the graphic description, but that's how it is, folks). I'm NOT going to discuss love, which I believe can happen between any two people. I'm only going to be using the scientific FACTS of the human body. Whether you support homosexuality or not, I think we can all agree that a plug is made to fit an outlet despite the plug or outlet's desires, yes?

Okay, moving on.

3. Most of you will probably not agree with me. There are two parts to this theory, and some of you will read the first part and either be offended or think I'm crazy. Some of you will agree with the first part, proceed to reading the second part, and end the reading being sorely disappointed because the second part did not live up to the expectation you gained from reading the first part. I will only tell you this:

3. a. No matter what religious background you hail from or what ethics you have been raised with, KEEP AN OPEN MIND. Also, if you have any homosexual friends, please share. I'd like feedback on this.

4. If you don't believe in God, you won't care about or agree anything I have to say for sure. This post has to do with what God gave us and what He didn't. If you don't believe in a God, that renders this post completely irrelevant to you. Of course I'd love for you to read my blog. But if you get upset, don't say I didn't warn you.

Okay, here we go.

I'd like to present a theory about the concept of homosexuality being a choice or an affinity people are born with.

I think both sides have validity. In a sense, both sides are kinda right, and both sides are kinda wrong.

I believe that every single person in this world is born with a weakness or two. We are also born with free agency, the ability to make WHATEVER choice we damn well please. That being said, I'm just going to put my theory out there and watch as it may or may not get shot down:

I don't believe that homosexuals exit the womb as a homosexual. HOWEVER, I believe that the temptation for members of the same sex IS something they're born with. As they get older, they are presented with members of both genders, and they make a choice. They then proceed to formulate their lifestyle according to this choice. It is this lifestyle that classifies them as "gay" or not.

I don't believe that a God who made our bodies the way He did would actually create a being who is programmed to be attracted to the same body type. I do, however, believe that He would put in a "temptation code" which Satan can then prey on by amplifying said person's temptation for the same gender. This is again, the point at which I believe the individual chooses. (Also known as the moment when said person "discovers" they are homosexual.)

I don't even think most people realize that this choice is being made, because usually it's more of an acceptance than a choice. I imagine that there is a thought DEEP in the individual's subconscious that goes something like this:

"My whole life I've been told I would be attracted to someone of the opposite gender, but I actually think I like my gender better. I guess that means I'm gay. Okay. Word."

Some members of the LDS church are conflicted because they realize this temptation but know that the LDS church doesn't condone this lifestyle. Which, in turn, leads them to not be so accepting of the fact that their body just informed them of. People like Josh Weed have made the choice to ignore the same-gender attraction, and live the "natural" lifestyle that our bodies were made for.

Let me give you another example that might help put my theory into perspective. Our bodies actually do this type of decision-making all the time.

You are a small child whose parents have only given you Kix cereal your entire life. They tell you that this is the cereal you are supposed to like. One day, you spend the night at a friend's house, and they have Waffle Crisp cereal (which, for the sake of the story, is the only other kind of cereal made). You try the Waffle Crisp, and discover that it is 50 billion times better, even if it's loaded with like, double the sugar. 

Your body has made the decision that you like Waffle Crisp better. All of a sudden, you never want to eat Kix again. But your parents have told you that you're supposed to like Kix. It is at this point that you decide whether you're going to forsake Waffle Crisp forever or make the switch permanently. This is the point where some people think to themselves, "My whole life I've been told I should like Kix, but I actually think I like Waffle Crisp better. I guess that means I'm a Waffle Crisp eater. Okay. Word."

Do you kinda see where I'm going with this? 

In short, I believe that homosexuality is a temptation one can be born with, AND one chooses whether to give in to that temptation or not.

Yes, I believe that homosexuality is a temptation. So is meaningless, heterosexual sex. So is alcohol. So is committing suicide, for some. So is stealing. So is adultery. So is decking someone in the face when they are pissing you off beyond all decent reason. These are all things that we can be tempted with, and we decide whether we're going to act on these temptations or not.

This is not to say that EVERYONE is born with this temptation. Obviously there are those of us whose temptation drives for the opposite gender, but I am not talking about that group of people.

I'm not stating whether I condone homosexuality or not. I DO NOT want this to turn into a bashing session. I want feedback as to whether you, my readers, believe that this is a plausible possibility or not. Please keep all comments respectful.

Thank you in advance, and have a lovely day. ♥

If There Is Anything Lacey, Classy, or of Vintage-y Report, I Seek After These Things

I've never had a problem with knowing "who I am". That is to say, I've never had to lock myself up or travel somewhere obscure and try to have one of those "self discovery" experiences. I was SERIOUSLY ridiculed in my elementary school years for being who I was, but none of it ever made me change myself.

Except for when I was made fun of for wearing my pants too high. It made me realize that I had always worn my pants where my mother put them when she would dress me as a toddler. I spent one day being embarrassed about it, and have never worn my pants that high again.

However, I have not always been sure of my style. Since my personality is so quirky and diverse, my style has always been indicative of that. In junior high, I was a confused mix of "prep" and "skater". I wasn't part of either of these groups, but parts of each of these styles appealed to me.

In high school, I didn't change a ton, but kinda. I wore lots of bright colors and RARELY wore brand name anything. (Except for when I worked for American Eagle for a brief three months.) It wasn't until after I got out of high school and started seeing what styles the world really has to offer that I began to understand what style was really MINE.

I began to discover lace, which I ADORE.

Pearls.

Old photographs/photography.

Buttons. (I really love buttons!)

Big hats with flowers.

Damask patterns.

^^^ That's damask.

Flowery patters. (Not the old lady kind with really little flowers, but the stylish kind that are bigger flowers.)

Chandeliers.

Really old stuff.

All these things really, REALLY appealed to me. I seek after these things.

But I STILL didn't know what all of it meant. Then I got married to my wonderful, darling, dearest. One time we were driving around and I was thinking quietly to myself about all of this. Since I also love asking any question that comes to mind, I asked my husband what he thought my style was. After searching a minute for the right description, he said one word:

"VINTAGE"

A little piece of joyous sunshine leaped inside me. THAT WAS IT!! I'm VINTAGE! Not hipster, mind you. I'm not indie enough for that. 

But, vintage. 

Basically, I should have been born right about 1890 or so into a family with the last name Baudelaire or something fancy and rich-sounding like that.

Think Titanic.

Think Zooey Deschanel (minus the indie part of her).

Think something like this:

I bought this beautiful necklace because it embodies my style and what I love about vintage almost perfectly. ♥

You can't tell me this is not beautiful.

I also really love clocks. Love them.

Deep, down (which is actually not that deep down), I am VINTAGE, and in love with pretty much everything about it. I would also add "classy". Not as a personality trait, but as part of this vintage style.


But now that you mention it, I try to keep it classy, too. :)

Now you know. :) Have a lovely day. ♥

Confusing Complexes of the Being Married Variety

I've been thinking a lot lately about two things that both have to do with being married.

1. I recently turned 21. Now, I know that turning 21 doesn't appear to have anything to do with being married. But it does, and I'll tell you why. If you were to ask me to picture a married couple, I would picture something like this:

How old does that couple look to you? Probably close to 30, right? (I can say that because I don't actually know who this couple is, so I won't offend them.)

My point is this: I knew at 19 that I would be married soon. I was engaged and then married by the time I was 20. But ask me how old I feel?

Not 21. As I look at pictures of myself, I still look like I'm a teenager. I don't see a grown, adult woman. I see myself still as a senior in high school. And as I look at most of the other army wives around me, I don't see a lot that are my age. Most of them are older than me.

Don't get me wrong. I ADORE Caleb and I married him because it felt more right than butter side up. (Dr. Seuss, anyone?) But sometimes I get this complex. A complex that tells me it's weird that I'm so young and already married. Not that I feel that way personally, but more like I can feel that other couples (older couples) look at us and think that. Like they look at us and think that we're a couple teenagers who just got married because we thought it was a good idea at the time. But, that's not how it is.

I just wanted to get that out there.

With that being said, this next statement is sort of ironic.

2. I didn't think I wanted a baby until he got out of the army. Well, I still don't. But I keep getting this feeling like when he comes back we should start trying for one. Not immediately, but after he's had time to readjust and they move us to the other base in Germany because this one is closing down (yeah, I thought I was going to Italy after this base shut down, so the fact that I'm just going to another base in Germany is a real kick to the stomach.), then maybe after we get settled in, we could start working on it. 

When I talked to Caleb about it, he didn't seem quite as excited. I don't know if he really understood how much time I was talking about waiting (and judging by his list of things we'd have to "do with a baby in tow", I don't think he understands how long it takes to make a baby either. haha). After a short discussion, we decided it would be beneficial to wait until he got home and settled in to make a decision.

Anyway, that's pretty much it for now. I know it's a lot, but this is my blog and I'll write a novel if I want to.

Have a lovely day. ♥