Maybe I'm Stronger Than I Think I Am?

Welcome back, dear friends.

First of all, I feel like I have been in school for a million years. Really it's only been a few months, but the days are SO LONG that it seems to go on forever. If I were in regular college, I don't think I could FUNCTION knowing that I had another 4 years of this. Anatomy is destroying me.I thought I had a good handle on it, but then we started muscles. After the last few lessons, I literally just want to hide in a corner and cry.

^^ That's me after my anatomy class.

LITERALLY.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We only have school 3 days a week now! 4 days a week was getting to be a bit overwhelming. I also gave my sister the first full-body massage I've done outside school today. I'm pretty sure I did okay by school standards. It's hard to remember everything when I'm learning a million things at once. Not really stoked about clinic for that reason. And the fact that they expect us to give 5 massages straight on our first day.

Anyway, moving on to happier things. I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that Fall is approaching. For those who know me well, this may come as a shock on account of:

I hate the cold. 

No need to fret, this fact is still as true as ever. But there's something about this fall that has me yearning for it to come faster. Just think of all the amazing things that only this time of year can bring! The smell of pumpkin/citrus/spice in stores and homes, the leaves turning brilliant shades of orange and yellow, busting out adorable sweaters, wrapping up in plushy, warm blankets and snuggling up with a loved one (or a good book, your computer, or mug of hot cocoa in front of the TV, for those of us whose loved ones are far away.), going to corn mazes or shopping "villages" which have been transformed into a magical autumn wonderland... Not to mention that after my first severely uncomfortable summer in garments, I am ready for not-so-hot weather.

Of course, one of the most obvious reasons I am stoked about Fall is that it means the half way point of Caleb's deployment is almost here! Even though it will only be half over, there's something about knowing that we're halfway there that makes me stronger. 

It's like going on a hike to the top of a mountain. The hardest part is getting to the top, and you're really proud of yourself when you get there, even though you're really only half way to the end of your journey! You've still gotta climb back down, right? But we all know that the climb down is easier. I guess that's kind of how I feel. I made it though one half, and for some reason I feel like that will make the second half easier.

Speaking of the deployment, I have good news to share with you. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm kinda proud of myself. Despite the fact that I'm PMSing a fair bit, I haven't had any hardcore sad days in a while. I'm taking this by the horns right now and totally rocking it. I know I won't stay this way forever, but I am relishing it while I can. I'm not depressed! I'm not miserable! I still hate that he's gone (and still dislike the army QUITE a bit), mind you. But I'm at a good place with the deployment, emotionally. 

Maybe it's because the halfway point is coming up.

Maybe it's because I'm in such a good mood due to Fall's arrival.

And maybe it's because I'm so consumed with hatred for my life when I'm sitting in anatomy that I've used up my quota, and I don't have any more hatred left for my day-to-day life. (Is everyone understanding how I feel about anatomy? Sometimes I don't know if I'm expressing it adequately.)

My point is that I'm turning out to be handling this a lot better than I thought I could. Maybe it's just a phase, but at least I have these peaceful times to get me by when the storm rages and I can't live without him again. I am so grateful for the strength I am finding in myself. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there- and that's the important part!

This is What Makes Me... Me

In light of the fact that this week has been a rather better week than previous weeks, I'm going to make a list of things I love and make me happy. I'll probably add to this in the future, but this is the list I came up with whilst just sitting here trying to think of everything. We all know my memory is kind of pathetic junk.

On that note, these aren't in order of importance, just in order of how they come to my mind.

☺ My husband

☺ My friends and family

☺ Mexican food

☺ Harry Potter (reading, watching, referencing, quoting, paraphernalia... anything.)

☺ Taking pictures.

☺ Juice

☺ Blankets which are of the EXTREMELY SOFT variety.

☺ Long necklaces (usually owls, because they're Caleb's minions.)
☺ Vintage anything (as expressed in an earlier post.)

☺ Buying things to decorate my house with

☺ Fedoras

☺ Fall Out Boy (and most music like unto theirs.)

☺ Wedding-related things (whether it's remembering my own, or looking over wedding stuff on the internet just for fun.)

☺ Having fun ALL THE TIME

☺ My iPhone

☺ Singing

☺ Psych

☺ Making other people happy, laugh, and/or feel cared for

☺ Speaking like a 3-yr-old

☺ Writing

☺ Musicals

☺ Observing people

☺ Not having a job

☺ Sleeping

☺ Cuddling with the love of my life

☺ CHRISTMAS

☺ Hearing that someone loves me

☺ Sweaters in the Fall

☺ Being happy

Sorry, I know it's a long list. But sometimes it does you good to remember what you're grateful for, what makes you smile, and simply what makes you who you are. What puts you in your element. It's a beautiful feeling to remember what makes you happy. 

I'm gonna challenge you guys to do this. Leave a comment here, write an entry in your own blog... whatever. Thanksgiving isn't the only time we can do this, people. 

Why not right now??

♥

Apethetic, Irritable, and Everything In Between

It's amazing how my perception of life has changed since Caleb left. Things that would usually be a big, exciting deal just don't matter. Yet, things that shouldn't bug me end up severely irritating me. For example, the olympics. A lot of people were super crazy about watching them or following them. I, however, didn't really care. I have more important things on my mind. But when someone posts something on facebook or whatever, sometimes it'll really bug me. Then, since I won't ever say anything to them it'll fester. Maybe not for very long, but it will.

Just recently, someone I know posted something about a characteristic in other people that bothered them. Or rather, the actions that came from having this characteristic. Now, I happen to know that this person has this characteristic. In fact, they have done to me the EXACT thing that they were complaining about. 

Several times, actually. I'd be willing to submit that it's one of their habits, even.

Now, to me, this seems very hypocritical. (Which I'm pretty sure it is, but whatever.) But instead of just recognizing that it's hypocritical and moving on, it REALLY bothered me! Like, to the point that it has me in a very foul mood.

This  next part is going to make me sound like a jerk (cuz I know everyone has a right to be upset about this particular thing.) but it also really bugs me when people complain about missing their husbands or the fact that their husbands have to work late. All that runs thru my mind is, "At least he's going to come home to you before next year! I'll bet he'll even be home in the next 48 hours!" 

Like I said, I understand that it's frustrating to be separated (BELIEVE ME, I really do.) but that's just the point. When someone else complains about being separated from their husband for a short amount of time, it just kinda shoves it in my face that other people get to be depressed when their spouses have to be gone for a few extra hours and MY lot in life is to be depressed cuz I have to be separated for MONTHS. 

Hateful.

In any case, I know all you other military wives out there know what I mean. I know it's not right to compare my trial with another person's. But it's a little bit difficult when I'm in the position I'm in. I feel like I'm a different species now that I'm an army wife. We're a different breed. I feel like the base amount of suckiness in my life is higher than your average newly weds. (And yes, we still count as newly weds. And we will continue to be until we get to spend at least a year straight under the same roof.)

Yes, I know this is flawed logic. Yes, I know that I should care about more things, and that less things should irritate me. I guess until I learn how to deal with this stupid thing (the deployment, of course. Not emotions.) I will just have to continue to be irritated/apathetic all the time.

Friends and Ranger School- Maybe...

So, life has been crazy for a little while. I got home and sort of adjusted. I've been in massage therapy school for two weeks now and it's pretty cool. I've made some friends, two in particular, who make it even better. I see Kayla and Steve almost every day, which is actually the best part of having started school. I mean, I know it's good that I'm in school, (and I'll admit that it's not as bad as I thought it would be.) but the fact that I've made friends that I can connect with so quickly and so well has really made it great.

The only downside to school so far is that I'm DREADING anatomy. I don't want to learn about the gross insides of the human body. If I had wanted to do that, I would be studying at a real collage to be a nurse or one of those people who dissect dead bodies.

Gross.

 Especially since Kayla has already taken anatomy twice, and I am usually the target of her distracting habits, I am almost scared that I'm going to fail. haha

My and Caleb's first anniversary came and went on the 27th of July. What I thought was going to be a miserable day of loneliness and missing my husband turned out to be great. My mom found a little SLC temple charm and gave it to me in the morning as a reminder of the happiness, rather than focusing on the emptiness. Caleb then called me and we had an amazing chat. I love that he was able to call, even though he hadn't been able to a lot that week. Goll, I love him. 

So. Freaking. Much.

(As a side note, I had this really awesome blanket made for him as an anniversary gift. I went on walmart.com and put a ton of pictures of us on it, and it was GIGANTIC. I wish I had taken a picture of it before I sent it to him. Just believe me when I say it was CRAZY AWESOME.)

Later that day, my dad took me to lunch at this little place close to his work. I loved that we got to spend that daddy-daughter time together like that. We don't get that as often as I'd like, so it was really special. Then he took me back to his work to introduce me to a girl my age he had just hired onto his team. Her name is Bethany and she is adorable. We spent the rest of the entire night chatting and laughing. She distracted me from what might have been a very difficult night. 

These little blessings mean more than I can describe to you, and there's a possibility that you won't understand unless you've been in my situation. Let it just stand to say that it is SO important and means the world to me.

I also got a calling as a Sunbeam teacher. Not much to say about that, other than that I get to hang out with a bunch of little kids every Sunday. Not the worst calling ever, but I've never taught before. According to their remarks today, I'm pretty sure that as long as I bring treats, this is going to be no sweat.

So here comes the interesting part, I suppose. I know the last two posts have been very negative, so I'm going to try and make this one not so much.

"Try" is the key word here.

I'd be lying if I said that it's gotten easier. Well, sort of. the fact that I'm with Kayla and Steve so much DEFINITELY helps. Not to mention that Caleb has made an effort to call me more, which has meant everything. But it doesn't change that he's gone of course, or that I still hate going to bed without him. So naturally, I still am running into super hard days. Not gonna lie, today was one of them. But thanks to the fact that I have such great friends and family, and the fact that Caleb is being such a great husband, the pain isn't as frequent. And that's the whole point of me coming home, really.

Altho, something we (Caleb and I) have been talking about recently has made me super unhappy. He wants to go to Ranger school after his deployment is over. That means he'd be gone for a little over two months longer than planned. Which means that the idea which has assisted me in keeping my sanity (you know, the one where I tell myself, "At least he won't be gone for a full year. It's just 9 months.") will no longer be valid. I will no longer have that to hold onto, and it's a little crushing. He says that if he's a ranger then he won't be deployed for as long (only 6 months, supposedly) and that they don't necessarily deploy more. I don't know how true that is. All I know is that it means he WILL be gone for a whole year, and this just deployment just got that much worse.

However, the one thing that gives me solace is the possibility of him only having to be deployed for 6 months. Obviously, if Sairah had her way, he wouldn't deploy at all, and we'd live happily ever after running some surf shop on a remote beach in Costa Rica. But I guess if I *HAVE* to deal with this evil, it might as well be for less time. (But let's be honest, Costa Rica is clearly the more awesome option.)

 So, friends. If you're stuck with me for almost 3 months longer than I've been telling you, blame Caleb. Another thought that just occurred to me is that this would mean 3 months less of living in Germany. I'm definitely not going to complain about that. This is sounding more and more appealing as I think about it. I'm tempted to officially give him my permission to do this. haha

Anyway, here's to you (yes, you) and the fantastic support I'm getting from everyone here at home. Thanks for putting up with me and being such wonderful friends. I love you guys.

Cheers. ♥

My Bitter Side Exposed

Dear Friends,

The purpose of this blog is to mainly highlight what life is like as an army wife. Right now, that life is me trying to keep it together as my husband deploys. If you don't want to read me complaining about it, read no further. If you don't mind listening to me whine, proceed. And if you are just going to tell me that I don't have a right to complain because I "knew what I was getting into", go jump off a bridge.

ALSO- Please keep in mind that while I'm going to complain and say I hate things, I love my husband with a fiery passion to exceed that of Mount Vesuvius (or whatever volcano destroyed Pompeii, because if my love were a volcano, you better believe it would be powerful enough to destroy a whole city), and I am very proud of the fact that he's doing something so courageous. I will stand by him and continue to support him with all my heart. The fact that I'm going to complin right now DOES NOT change that.

Just wanted to make sure we're clear about that.

Several of you have very generously expressed your support for my husband and I both, which I appreciate SO MUCH. Some people express to me that they think I am brave and strong for doing what I'm doing.

Wanna hear a secret?

I'm really not brave. And I am definitely not strong. I'm miserable. Not 100% of the time, but right now I am. (This could be due mostly to the fact that it's 3:30 as I begin writing this, and for some reason, the later I stay up, the more I think about the bad things in my life. Maybe the Holy Ghost really does go to bed at midnight.)

I hate this. I'm only doing it because I love my husband, and he's signed his freaking life over to the army, so I really have no other choice. There are so many things that anger me about what is going on right now. I never wanted this. For years, I proclaimed to anyone who would listen that I would not marry into the military for this exact reason. Actually, several reasons.

1. I don't do well on my own. I'm not just talking emotionally, I mean I physically cannot function without my other half. I'm almost positive there is literally something wrong with my mind. For example: In the days leading up to my arrival in Utah, I absentmindedly gave away my last copy of Caleb's orders, temporarily lost the folder I have containing all my Powers of Attorney (which I left in the car I had parked in the storage lot to stay in for the next 9 months), and I also almost left my phone in said car. I left my favorite hat on the plane (which I did not get back), I went to go put my garments on and discovered that I left ALL of them back in Germany, and when I went to Lagoon the other day, I left a $50 hoodie in the bathroom, which was subsequently stolen. Not to mention the fact that I leave my keys EVERYWHERE I go. If I put something down, 9 times out of 10, I will walk away from it, completely forgetting that I had it until I go to reach for it later and it's gone.

Long story short, I am broken and I'm an idiot. But when I had Caleb by my side, he was there to help me. He LITERALLY completes me. Now I'm on my own and I'm screwing everything up.

2. I ABHOR the fact that I am not in control of my life. I'm not in control of where I live. If we want to travel, we have to get PERMISSION from Caleb's superiors. I don't even have the freedom to just take off for the weekend. I have to get it approved, or else Caleb gets in trouble. This doesn't take as many words to explain, but just imagine living a life you don't have control over. I feel like I'm under freaking Big Brother constantly.

3. Take all the anger I have about not being in control of my life, and multiply it by 12. That is how much I *HATE* being away from my husband. I've said it once, and I'll say it again. It YANKS at my jealousy strings when I see any couple who got time after their wedding to enjoy a real honeymoon. Or a couple who gets to spend all 12 months of their first year of marriage together, rather than just four. And on that note, couples who actually get to spend their first anniversary together. Couples who actually get to have a life together. Couples who can start thinking about having kids and not having to worry about timing it so that daddy can be home for the birth of their first child. Couples who don't have to go days or weeks without hearing from one another, or even get to wake up in the same country together every day. I don't even have a real marriage, like so many other wives I know, and it kills me.

This is the most awful thing I've ever had to do, including the 7 months we were separated before. Which I am still bitter about. Not sure if I'll ever get over that. So, if you think about it, this will be our second "deployment" in under one year of marriage. At first, I was like, "I've done this once, I can totally do it again. No problem." Now, it's more like, "Wait, I have to do that all over again PLUS a few months?!?! Holy Moses, I'm going to DIE."

What exactly am I supposed to "learn" from this? The only thing this is teaching me is that I am too mentally challenged to function on my own. I wish Caleb wanted to do something, ANYTHING, other than this. I wish with all my heart that I could convince him to just drop this after he's done with his contract. But until we know what he's gonna do with himself after he gets out, I can't convince him.

What I'd really like to do is just go to sleep and hibernate for the next 9 months. That would make the time go by faster than anything else! At some point, you just lose all motivation to do things without your better half by your side.

Some of you may see this as me admitting that I'm not happy in this marriage. That's not really what I'm getting at. The point is not that I am unhappy with him, but that I am unhappy WITHOUT him, but that is the life I have to deal with right now. As great a it is to be home and surrounded by friends and family who support me, I would give anything to be with my husband and to be able to have a real life. I wish I didn't have a reason for anyone to support me. I'd rather not need extra encouragement just to get through the day.

We're not even a month into it and I am already sick of everything. I miss him so much, ALL the time. I know I'm not alone, but that doesn't stop me from being painfully lonely. I just want this to be over already.

Today and College Have Something In Common- They Both Suck.

I'm going to start out by saying that I am not handling this deployment as well as I was last week. Today really sucked. There are reasons it sucked, but the story is long. The short version is that I was hoping my husband had an excuse for not calling me as much as the other soldiers called their wives, but he doesn't, and it makes me feel like I'm not as important as their husbands seem to think they are. 

So, today sucks because I don't feel important. And if I'm going to be completely honest, I'm kind of pretty upset about it. To take my mind off of it, I'm going to write. Because writing helps.

 

I haven't started college yet because frankly, I hate the idea of college. I know we are supposed to get a higher education, but when the idea of going to college makes you want to throw up, punch a baby penguin, and flee the country all at the same time, it really doesn't give you motivation to start. Maybe if I could ONLY take the classes I wanted, but I have to take all the classes "The Man" wants me to take (which includes math, and I hate math). I mean, if a mission is not for everyone, why is a traditional college?

But just before I came home, I signed up for school. Not regular school. UCMT (Utah College of Massage Therapy). I went into the actual campus the other day to get some financial aid stuff done and to sign some papers to officially sign myself up for school. I'm not going to lie, I was kind of anxious about it.

Partly because I've never done it before, and partly because I know there is a possibility that some soldiers in my husband's unit could come home early. If he comes home early, they will go back to Germany and then they will get a month off. But the problem is, I will be in school. So not only will we not even really get to spend that time together, he'll have to be in Germany while I am in the states- again. If that happens, I am going to be PISSED. But I suppose it's worth the stress to get some kind of further education, seeing as how I don't wanna do regular college. Maybe later.

But it ended up being okay. One of the ladies there was super nice and she took really great care of me. I took my laptop and she saw the picture of Caleb and I saying goodbye, and she asked about him. When I told her that he was deployed, she was really empathetic and really wanted to help me out as much as possible. I still have no idea if I'm going to enjoy it or not, but at least I'm doing something with my life.

Right?...

A Surprise and A Closet Patriot

So, not much has happened since I last wrote. Oh yeah, except that I surprised my family by coming home this last Wednesday instead of September 15th, like I told them I would be.

I would tell people on Facebook that I wasn't coming home until September, I had a couple of my friends come pick me up from the airport, they helped me take my bags all sneaky to the side of the house so that my mom wouldn't see them if she looked out the window... The whole 9 yards.

I even went as far as to plan a Skype date with them for the day after I knew I'd arrive. I pretended my phone didn't work and that I "wasn't getting my mom's texts" thru the whole day, when really I was just flying. 

I came to the door at about 1:00am, and just rang the doorbell. It took them a second, but Chance and Amanda came to the door. Chance was the first one to see me, and he just kinda looked at me for a second with a look that said, "Is this real life??" Then he was like, "OH MY GOSH!" and came up and gave me a big hug. Amanda was like, "What?!" and then she saw me and was all, "OH MY HECK!" and ran screaming through the house saying, "Mom! Dad! It's SAIRAH!! SAIRAH'S HERE!!"

It was the most awesome surprise ever. And I can't believe I pulled it off. Like a boss.


 Next item of business: 
IT'S ALMOST THE 4TH OF JULY!!! 

   

  


Now, I haven't always been this excited about Independence Day. If I was, it was only because my family has this sweet tradition of going to the hill next to the Provo temple, laying out a picnic blanket and eating Subway while waiting for the Stadium of Fire to do their fireworks. But this year, I feel like decorating pretty much everything in red, white, and blue.

Any guesses as to why? No? Ok, I'll tell you.

It's my love for my soldier. A soldier who I am more proud of than anything/anyone in the whole world. MY soldier. Who is doing one of the most dangerous jobs in the army (which terrifies me a little) because he loves his country.

And because he's an adrenaline junkie.

Now, I've always been grateful for the fact that we, as Americans can pretty much do whatever we want (within the law, of course). I do recognize some countries don't have the same blessings we do. However, I've never been one of those people who goes crazy about it. Let me give you an example.

Let's say... football. I like football enough. I won't go out of my way to make a huge deal about how much I like it, but I do. HOWEVER, if my husband played for a specific team, I would go to every game. I would plaster his team's logo all over the place. I would buy team merchandise. I would support the team unconditionally simply because my husband played on the team.


Well, the team my husband has chosen to play on is Team USA. And because I love him SO STINKING MUCH, I am going to be extra patriotic, almost by default. Which makes me more excited than usual to celebrate America's birthday this year. I guess that's what happens when you're in love.


And believe me, I am definitely in love.