The Gabriel Method and My Love/Hate Relationship with Unpredictability

I just LOVE how army life can be so all over the place...

Did anyone catch my sarcasm there?

Caleb just re-enlisted, so I thought we'd be here for another year and a half or so, and then the army would put us where they need my husband to work. But a few opportunities have come up for Caleb recently, so now I literally have no idea where I'm going to be come summer time.

I do actually enjoy that I know I will never get stuck in a rut. That is to say, I won't get stuck in that pattern most people find themselves in of doing the same things every day- leading very predictable lives. At the same time, I feel like my life is a little TOO unpredictable. 

For instance- Caleb just finished doing a "pre-ranger" outing that took him away for 3 days. Those 3 days just happened to be the 3 days my body decides it needs to be SUPER sick. Of course, he had to be taken away at the LEAST convenient time possible. Not even 3 days later, he had to show up early to work just in case they picked him to go to the Warrior Leader Course (WLC). We were both hoping he wouldn't go because today is his birthday, and he would get a 4-day weekend if he didn't have to be there. But of course, they picked him. 

DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING! 

There's more of that sarcasm stuff.

So now, he'll be gone for pretty much all of this month. He will also be gone all of next month for one of those "opportunities" I mentioned. Once he's home from that, his unit has field rotations and all kinds of trainings scheduled, so there is a really good possibility that I just won't see my husband for the next 3 months. It's dumb that he's not even deployed, but he might as well be for all the time I'll get to spend with him between now and April.

Like I said, glad that my life isn't predictable and boring, but I envy those who get a little more stability in their lives. And those whose husbands don't have to be taken away ALL THE TIME. But I know that if I did have that stability, my life could get really boring. Is there no happy medium?!

I guess have to get back into "deployment mode" where I throw myself into things that keep me busy. I'm still doing Crossfit, I'm doing more massages lately, and I've just discovered one of the coolest weight-loss methods I've ever seen.

Ever heard of the Gabriel Method? This guy lost 220 pounds WITHOUT DIETING (some of my favorite words ever) and wrote a book about it. Now he does seminars and has a website with a support group, recipes, workout videos, and most importantly, Visualization audio bits all based on the method he used to drop his weight.

This method is based ENTIRELY on your mind-body connection and re-training your brain to send different signals to your body. The kind of signals that make your body want to get the fat off ASAP. The kind of signals that help you live healthier and happier by creating better habits. His book is great, and the visualization audios are lovely. I would HIGHLY recommend looking into it.

Go to this website for free Gabriel Method stuff if you wanna get started. While you're there, check out his story and see what he's all about! If you want the book, I'm pretty sure he's still giving it away for free too. Well, you pay $1 for shipping. You also get an account to his support group website for a month for free, and there are loads of videos and stuff you can download.

What I actually love about this guy is that he isn't pushy. His whole attitude is: "This thing worked for me and I wanna show you how I did it. If it's not for you, that's cool. Thanks for stopping by anyway." He also has supplements that will help your body become more balanced and hopefully provide some things your body is missing in order to help lose the extra weight, but he's not the kinda person that's like, "If you don't buy my supplements, this won't work for you at all." He only SUGGESTS that you supplement your diet with these things because they can help a lot, and that you should get them if you can.

I LOVE NOT PUSHY PEOPLE.

I feel like Jon and I would get along really well if we ever met in real life. He makes me feel like I can still accomplish great things even if I don't pay to stay on his website after my free month, even if I don't buy his supplements, and even if I give into my cravings. And guess what??

It's working!

I am actually starting to crave healthier things, I am not hungry as often, and I'm losing weight- which I thought would be nearly impossible with this birth control I've got! I went to a Zumba class last night (which TOTALLY kicked my butt, by the way) and when I got home, the only thing I wanted for dinner was an apple and some juice. You might think that's not healthy, but part of the Gabriel Method is eating WHENEVER YOU WANT TO. If that means eating another meal between breakfast and lunch, then do it. If that means only eating a small amount for dinner because you're not that hungry, then don't force yourself to eat if your body doesn't want to!

I am loving this whole concept. Everything he says just makes sense, and it's kind of blowing my mind. I encourage you to look into it if you have ANY amount of weight to lose.

That's my two cents for the day. If you decide to hop on the Gabriel Method wagon, let me know so we can get into it together!

Cheers. <3

Finding Peace in the Chaos

Holy cow- has it really been four months since my last post?? I feel like I'm slacking. I'll throw out an apology to anyone who feels like they need one. Haha

Sorry, guys.

Since we last met, Caleb has been promoted to a temporary position as Corporal to give him a little extra responsibility until he can be promoted to Sergeant, which will probably happen in January-ish. Woo! He has been playing sports like there's no tomorrow. He was on a football team, now a basketball team, and just played another small bout of football. 

Side note: I don't understand people who have this innate NEED to compete. I absolutely do NOT like to compete. For my husband, he's not having fun with an activity until he's competing. For me, I AM having fun until I'm competing. This, apparently is the reason he refuses to teach me to snowboard: because I'm not good enough (I'm not good at all, really) to compete with him and ride the "challenging slopes". Thus rendering me boring, apparently. Which would bother me if I cared more than not at all about snowboarding. 

Bahahaha!

I've been getting more involved with the FRG (Family Readiness Group- basically all the wives planning fun stuff to do.) and it has been a BLAST. I love the ladies who were picked to be our leaders, I love the other wives in my troop, and I love the opportunities that have been presented to me because of them. I even joined Crossfit, with a lot of encouragement from Kristin and awesome support from Emma in the form of being my ride there. They've both been great friends and great motivators for me.

I'm doing better(ish) with getting a little more business for my small apartment massage gig. Some of Caleb's single soldier friends have come over to get a massage, some more than once, and it's helped. I really enjoy the guys he's friends with. I try to actually befriend them and not just be "Haight's wife". I try to joke with them like we're buddies, so I guess it would be really awkward if we aren't. Hahaha

I spend most of my time with Jessica and her baby, though. We see each other basically every day, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I laugh harder with her than almost anyone else. Even when we're not doing anything, I always manage to enjoy my time with her. She gets me, ya know?? PLUS, A FEW DAYS AGO HER BABY WALKED FOR THE FIRST TIME- RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!! It was super cool.

(The fact that I am this excited about HER baby walking should probably give you an indication of her importance in my life. [hashtag]bestfriends)

So, this CRAZY thing happened the other day. I was under the impression that we had several months to decide if Caleb was re-enlisting and where we would go. We have been talking about it a little bit, but we never really decided on anything. I get a call from him a few days ago basically saying that there was a re-enlistment spot open and we needed to decide what to do, "time now".

OIY!

Have you ever been in a situation where you had to decide your future in like, 30 seconds?? Let me tell you, it's a stressful thing.

In a jumble of confusion and only half talking to me, he told the retention guy that we would probably stay here for another year and be sent somewhere else after. (We don't get to pick that "somewhere else" though, so there was some risk involved.) I asked Caleb if he had made that his final decision, and he said that he had not. He was going to go to a meeting with another retention guy to discuss which would be the better option, then we would talk about it more.

For those of you familiar with the way the army does things, this next part will not surprise you.

Turns out that the first retention guy just told the second retention guy that we had made our decision, so (without talking to us or having that meeting with Caleb to confirm anything) he put us down to stay in Germany an extra year.

Boom. Done. 

Just like that.

I was a little floored, to tell you the truth. Part of me felt like I hadn't even really made the decision- I felt like someone else had just made it for me. Luckily, it still was not technically set in stone at this point either. But Caleb and I talked about it, and since he is going to "try out" for a different unit in a few months anyway, we decided that staying this extra year would be the best option after all. I feel a lot better about it now that I know we definitely want it. Now that I feel like I actually got to have something to say about it.

Of course, this means another several years in the army. A couple years ago, I would have groaned. Probably complained. (Let's be honest, I will still probably do those things in the future.) Right now, though... I'm deciding to be okay with it. I'm accepting (very slowly) that this is going to be my life. I'm learning to be okay with the fact that it's probably going to be another 10 years before we're done with the army. I'm glad to have been able to spend this time in a foreign country with my husband, it'll be really cool to tell our kids one day. It's just sad that my very first impression of the army had to be them ROYALLY screwing me over. Maybe that's why it's taken me this long to start being okay with him staying in.

Baby steps, I guess.

Anyway, last, but not least...

 

Enjoy your families, food, and festivities!

Pondering Perception- Not for the Easily Confused

Perception is such a severely complicated thing. Especially the way humans form and use perception. We use our perception to determine how we feel/react to everything and everyone around us, and it's amazing that a little difference in perception can make two people see the same thing so vastly differently.

I never really noticed before how often this comes up in our every day lives. I've seen a lot of friends posting lately about how other people perceive them. For example, one of my sisters-in-law just posted that some people perceive that she doesn't put effort into the relationship- doesn't call enough, doesn't message enough, that sort of thing. The thing is, I personally think she is great at keeping in contact. She and I message constantly, and we're just sisters-in-law. So it doesn't make sense to me that any other member of her family should feel neglected if she does the same thing for them.

BUT!

What if their idea of enough contact is set at a far higher standard than mine? What if they perceive that unless you're talking every week or maybe every day, you're not getting enough contact? They perceive that she is being distant because she is not meeting their standards, which are different than hers because she was raised by someone else and grew up around different people- and therefore learned to expect different things.

Another example of perception is how we interpret how other people say things. I can think of almost no better example of this than myself. Apparently, I have a habit of saying things that I think are harmless in such a way that is offensive. Of course, I never mean to be offensive, but the people who hear me say these things have had different life experiences than I have, and maybe have even been taught that what I said should be taken offensively. But maybe someone else (being raised in a different environment) would think that what I said was meaningless. Societal and environmental conditioning plays a huge role here. 

Just recently, a girl I don't know very well stopped speaking to me because something I said offended her. As usual, my comment was, in my opinion, harmless. But all her personal life experiences and conditioning led her to interpret it very differently than I did. It's fascinating to me that the exact same set of words, just put in someone else's  mind, can mean something completely different.

Another thing that is interesting to me is how we all rally around our friends in these times. Let's say one of your friends posted a status about how someone called them "skanky", "immature", "stupid", c"razy", etc. If your experiences with that friend have been different, you obviously will disagree and probably stick up for your friend. I've seen several people comment on my friends' statuses saying something to the effect of, "That's not you at all, how can they even think that??" A lot of times people will even say, "Oh, they're just saying that because they're jealous/ignorant/have no self-esteem" etc, etc. That may be true, but most of the time what they said was probably their honest perception of your friend. You probably can't understand why they think that because you perceive how your friend acts in a completely different way. 

Unless, of course, that person happens to have said something true about your friend and your friend was just upset because the truth can be hurtful. That can also happen.

On the other hand, when that person goes to re-tell the story to their friends, the opposite will happen. Their friends might be appalled at the way your friend is acting. They will probably even congratulate this person for calling your friend out for doing whatever it was they did. When really, in your mind and your friends' mind, your friend didn't even do anything to begin with besides just acting how they normally do. But of course, different cultures deem different ways of life acceptable or not acceptable.

Let's say you don't trouble yourself with other people's trivial "drama"- you are not exempt from this madness. There will always be something you perceive differently than another person. Nature, a piece of art, the way a country should be run, even how to tie shoes properly or which way the toilet paper should roll.

There really is no escaping it.

When I was young, my parents always said:

"Their perception is their reality."

It blows my mind trying to think about how each of us is living in the same world, but we're all living in different realities. 

Our perception of other people, of life, and of how things are "supposed to be" is all over the place. This is why it is literally impossible to please everyone. Even though you might do something you deem completely right, it will be completely wrong in someone else's reality.

This, of course, also brings up all sorts of "live and let live" issues, but the fact of the matter is, I don't think that's possible either. No matter how tolerant of other people we might be, humans don't like their reality messed with. Getting frustrated with someone is inevitable. We will always want people who disagree with us to realize that their perception is wrong and ours is right, even if it is to the tiniest degree and desired with the purest intentions.

Kind of like how I wish people would realize that they don't have to say rude or cruel things to get their point across. It baffles me that people even think they have to be like that. In my reality, it's absurd. But those people were probably taught that you have to fight and be forceful in order to get anywhere in life, and my reality is absurd for being so passive.

In any case, back to my original point. This whole idea of perception is infinitely complicated. I really can't wrap my head around it. I guess what it comes down to is this: All we can do is live the BEST way we know how and try our hardest to treat everyone with dignity, honor, and respect- no matter how crazy or messed up their realities seem to be.

Finally Together Again

A year ago today (June 22nd), my husband left for an almost 10 month deployment in Afghanistan.

Read the post from that day here:
http://sairahaight.blogspot.de/2012/06/day-i-hoped-would-never-come.html

It was arguably one of the worst days of my life. The months that followed (as documented in my other blogs) definitely were like unto a roller coaster. This post will be the highlights, low-lights, and life lessons that came into my life because of this deployment.

At my lowest, I was MISERABLE. I felt like I was a terrible wife. I hated everyone and everything that had anything to do with Caleb having to leave me. I ESPECIALLY hated the army. I just wanted to curl into a ball and die- to give up on life and effort. During the times he couldn't talk to me, I was extra anxious and panic-y. I would think crazy thoughts about catching a plane to Afghanistan because I COULD NOT take the separation any longer. It didn't help that this was our second long-term separation. I was angry at God for putting me with the most wonderful man I had ever met, but then constantly taking him away from me.

Easily some of the most depressing days of my life happened in those 10 months.

At my highest, I was happy with what I chose to do with myself during the separation (massage school), having a good time with my friends and family, and soaking up all the good I could out of whatever I was doing. I had my family supporting me the whole time. While it was hard at times to have moved back in with my family, I loved the extra time I got to spend with them. I met great new friends, and spent quality time with old ones. I loved what I learned at school and loved the people I learned from and with. I am really glad I ended up choosing to do massage therapy school. The time seemed to drag on forever as it was, I can't imagine what it would have been like if I didn't have anything to do. Plus, not only did I occupy my time with something positive, I now have a career I can take with me wherever I go. Definitely one of the better decisions I've made.

Caleb and I still found ways to make our love grow, despite the fact that our marriage had to rely solely on technology. Having a virtual marriage really blows, but when it's the only option you have, you make it work. Distance doesn't HAVE to tear people apart- it only does that if you're not meant to work out anyway. I sent him packages and he sent me gifts. We Skyped on all the major holidays and whenever else he could. We exchanged emails and pictures, he'd leave comments on my Facebook wall or pictures reminding me how much he cared about me, missed me, and loved me. Those little messages meant the entire world to me. They kept me going and would make me smile, even when my day had been awful. He was a lot stronger than I was, but toward the middle he had just as much of a hard time as I did.

I learned that I am stronger than I thought I was. I didn't know how I was going to make it. But what other choice did I have than to make it? Looking back, not only did I make it, I'd say that I came out better for it. Not that I am happy it had to happen, but I mean, I could have handled it a lot worse than I did. I mean, I didn't go crazy, I didn't cheat, and we didn't let the distance or stress ruin our marriage. I'd say that makes us pretty successful.

When he got back, I'm not going to lie, it was a little strange. See, out of the year and a half we've been married, only roughly 5 months of that has been spent together. So when he returned home, it was like I was reuniting with an old acquaintance. It didn't feel like I was married to this guy. It's hard to describe, but it was like having to get to know each other all over again. It kind of sucked, because I shouldn't have to feel that way about someone I'm married to.

The next month, however, was great. We took a real honeymoon and had basically the time of our lives. That awkward, "I feel like I don't know you" feeling we both had was gone within a few weeks. We just had to get used to being together again. We went from no time together at all, to not being apart for 24 hours a day, every day- that takes time to adjust to. But we didn't mind and were soon living it up in the beautiful Bahamas. It really did feel like we were newlyweds on our honeymoon.

We've been back in Germany about a month and a half now. Living, shopping, making plans and decisions, and spending time together. Things that get boring quickly for most people, I think. But if there is one thing that being apart has taught me, it is to not take ANYTHING for granted and cherish the little things more. I have a hard time doing things without him now. There is A LOT of time in our relationship that should have been spent together that we need to make up for. I guess there really isn't a way to make up for lost time (I can't exactly just add time to a day to make sure all the minutes we lost get added in again.) other than using the time we have now in a really great way. We are going out and doing fun things on the weekends and taking the time to really enjoy each other.

I love my husband more than ever and I am more happy than anything in the world that I get to be with him again. It's such a sweet feeling to be reunited again, knowing that I'm not going to have to give him up again for a good while. No more moving without me, no more deployment to dread, just he and I finally getting the time together we deserve. Now we can really start our life together, which is something I have been waiting for since July of 2011. It was really hard, but we rocked it. So distance can suck it- we won.

Sweetest victory EVER.

PART II: The Epic 3-Day Date and First Kiss

FIRSTLY: If you have not read part one, GO DO IT.

Please. :)
This post will be more pleasant if you do so.

Also, this is a little long, so brace yourself for...

PART II: THE EPIC 3-DAY DATE AND FIRST KISS

SO! We left off with Caleb's going away party that I walked away from with no knowledge that I would ever speak to him again.

A few weeks later, I'm at work when a buddy comes up to me and says, "Hey, Sairah. I've got this friend who I think you would get along really well with..."

Enter proposition for a blind date. Which I accepted because I had only been on one blind date and didn't think all of them could be that severely awkward.

Lesson learned.

Anyway, I give my friend my number so he could pass it on to this guy. A few hours later, I get a text saying something like, "Hi, is this Sairah?" I figured it had to be the Blind Date Guy (we'll call him BDG) texting me, so I just replied with a, "Yeah, who's this?" When he introduced himself as Caleb, I wasn't even thinking of the guy whose party I had gone to earlier that week- I was focused on the idea that I was talking to BDG. So when I asked "Sorry, Caleb who?" and he told me who he was... I was a little shocked. Not to mention, I had no idea how he got my number, 'cause I didn't give it to him.

In any case, we got to talking and he asked me on a date for that weekend. He mentioned that he had plans for the night he wanted to get together, so we should do a lunch date. My first thought was that he probably had another date that night. Hahaha :) But guess what?

I honestly didn't even care. I thought it was funny, even! I was like, 'Yeah, go him.' Not even a little bit offended or anything. Don't worry, I found out later that he really didn't have another date. My husband is a gentleman. :)

So Friday, the 11th of February, Caleb comes to get me for our date. He comes to the door, walks me to the car, and opens the door for me, very "gentleman" status. But here's where it gets better:

There was a single rose laying on the front seat, just staring up at me.

So, being as silly as I possibly could have been, my honest first thought was, 'Is this for me, or is this for the girl he's going to see tonight and he just forgot he put it there?'

Yes, that is really what I thought. I know, it was dumb. But imagine my pleasant surprise when I hear him start to explain that because he leaves for basic training on the 14th (that's Valentines Day, for those of you keeping track), that he wanted a Valentine to celebrate early with. Which I thought was THE most adorable thing he possibly could have done. I wanted to turn around and kiss him, but I refrained. I just gave him one of my super tight squeezes that are REALLY super awesome hugs instead. (Upon discussing this with Caleb later, apparently he would have been fine with the kissing thing. Go figure.)

From there we headed to a shooting range. He had obviously done this a time or two, and I had very obviously not. About half way into this escapade, he turns to me and says, "Lets have a competition."

I was not thrilled about this initially, due to the amount I sucked at shooting. But get this: the terms of this competition, as set by Caleb, went something like this:

"If you win, you get anything in the world you want. If I win, we go back to my place and watch Psych." (This is the part where that whole Psych conversation in Part I becomes important.) I was like, 'Holy cow! Is this guy even for real??' I'm pretty sure my face lit up so bright, it could have provided light to that whole room if they turned the lights off.

So, I lost (shocker, right?) and we got to go back to his place to watch Psych. I did have a roommate's birthday dinner to go to, so I had to leave right after the date. As Caleb was dropping me off, he said something to the effect of, "So, my plans for later fell through, if you want to come back when you're done." Uh, DUH I wanted to come back!!

So I did. :)

Reader's Digest version of our night is something to the effect of: his friend Kyle was over (which I didn't mind) and we went to Walmart to pick up all sorts of movie night snacks. I don't remember a lot about it, but I remember we laughed a lot and I had a good time. Then, we got back and ordered the BIGGEST PIZZA I HAVE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE. Here, take a look at this:

DO YOU COMPREHEND HOW BIG THIS PIZZA IS?!?!

Giant. Anyway, we had our ginormous pizza, our snacks, and Psych. Even though I was dropping every hint POSSIBLE, Caleb didn't start cuddling me until about half way through the night. Silly boy. :)

Later, his friend Kyle leaves and we decide to put in a movie. While this movie is loading, he comes to sit down on the couch, we start joking around, and...

BAM!

He kisses me.

Blindsided? Yeah, I was too. But it was a good kiss anyway. :)

So, as SUPER rare as this is for me, we actually ended up falling asleep in the middle of the movie. Keep in mind, it was probably almost 3 in the morning at this point. At least. Next thing I know, I'm waking up to my alarm for work. However, I decide I'm going to call in sick because I'm a little irresponsible and I wanted to sleep more.

Plus, I wanted more time with this super hot guy who seemed to not be getting sick of me.

That day consisted mostly of him making me breakfast (insert: "AWWW!" here) of eggs, toast, and Capri Suns, and mostly a combination of chatting and making out for the next few hours. I did have to go to my mom's birthday dinner that night, so I had to leave again. And just like the day before, Caleb extended an invitation to return. :)

This time, I returned with all the makins for french toast. When I finally got back to his place that night, we tried to put in a movie, but we were both so tired from staying up so late the night before that we both literally fell asleep within about half an hour.

The next day (the 13th), I made him french toast as he packed for basic training. At one point, he walked up the stairs, came up behind me as I cooked, and wrapped his arms around me. I was so happy in that moment, I had the biggest grin on my face. Little did I know that this was a glimpse into our future. :)

That night he had a dinner plans with his family and after only three days of knowing him, he invited me to join them. I was a little weirded out, but I went with it. I'm not shy! Just before dinner he actually asked me how I would feel about dropping him off at his hotel in SLC that he had to report to that night. I was again, shocked. Whoever dropped him off was the last person (from UT) he would see for the next 3 years! And he wanted me to be that person?? I was shocked, but I thought it was super great and adorable.

So, I drop him off at this hotel and he tells me that this was only supposed to be a short briefing and then he would be free for the next couple hours. Keep in mind, this is the 3rd time he's done this in the last three days. Think he liked me much? :P

After his briefing was over, I gave him my address (which he requested that I give him so he could write me, and I gave it despite thinking he wouldn't.) and we hit the town. Chocolate donuts and hot chocolate from a gas station, driving around downtown, and ending up parking in front of the Capitol building.

As it's almost time for him to go, I drive him back to the hotel to say goodbye. I give him another one of my super awesome hugs and try to be as adorable as possible. And for the 4th time that weekend, he says that he wants to see me again. "If we end up leaving late, can I see you tomorrow?" 

HOW SWEET IS HE?!

Sad story time: He DID end up leaving on time, so I couldn't see him the next day. But get this: He texted me THE WHOLE DAY. When he had to start boarding planes, he would text me until the second he boarded the plane, and then he texted me the second they landed. He did that for every single flight he went through. It's amazing that even after asking to see me again four separate times throughout the weekend, AND doing all the other adorable things he had done for me, I still didn't believe he would write me. I hoped he would, but I kinda figured he wouldn't.

Once again, I was happy to be proven wrong.

PART I: Before the Beginning (And Some of the Beginning)

I've been meaning to write this for some time now. What is "this", you ask? 

My and Caleb's story. 

A story about true, enduring love that is so crazy and nonsensical, some have deemed it a fairytale.

How we met, our first date (Yes, the story of our first date *IS* so epic that it gets an entire post all to itself), how we fell in love, how we got engaged, etc... You're gonna hear it all. The two year anniversary of the weekend we started falling in love is next month, so I wanted to start this now in case it takes me a month to finish.

PART I: BEFORE THE BEGINNING

Our story begins (sort of) in 2009. No, we didn't meet until 2011. So how can a story start two years before it began? I'll explain.

I'd like to demonstrate how fate (or God, whichever you believe in more) had a HUGE hand in bringing Caleb and I together.

I was just out of high school and working for a company called Western Wats. Without getting boring, I will just tell you that I was semi-promoted to a different position in a different building where I met Amber Biggs. I really enjoyed her company and we became friends.

After a while, she introduced me to a company called Primerica. I did not do well with this company. I did, however, come away kind of starting to date a guy from that company named Seth. While Seth and I were "dating", I met his roommate, Chad. When Seth and I fizzled out, Chad asked me to go on a blind date with one of his friends. This friend just happened to be a kid who was one of Caleb's best friends for YEARS.

However, this is not the part of the story where I meet Caleb.

I went on this blind (and thankfully GROUP) date, where I met a friend of Chad's. TJ was his name, and his date bailed at the last minute, but he came anyway. A few weeks later, TJ had my number and he and I became a couple.

Jump forward only a few months later and we're in 2010. I had been graduated for a while and DESPERATELY needed to move out. I had been talking to TJ about this for a few weeks, so when one of his friends texted him about a room for rent in a house in Sandy, he let me know. If Katrina had never sent that text to TJ, I would never have moved to that area specifically. Fast forward several months and I was officially a resident of The House on Loma Way.

If I hadn't moved to Sandy, I wouldn't have joined the singles ward up there, causing me to never meet John and Adam, who would subsequently have never invited me to a movie night where their roommate/my future husband and I would set eyes on each other for the first time.

Ladies and gentleman... If you don't believe in destiny, I hope I can convince you to. It is CRAZY to me that a decision I made in 2009 relating only to where I would work, would create a domino effect of everything that needed to happen in order for me to meet my husband. If  my friend Brent hadn't introduced me to this job, I would have worked at some other insignificant job. I would never have taken the position they offered me that led me to meet Amber. I could have not chosen to move in with complete strangers. But the crazy thing is that I DID make those decisions! Not knowing that they were all leading me to the most amazing person I've ever met.

And I am POSITIVE that they did not happen by accident.

Now, THIS is the part of the story where I meet Caleb. :)

Caleb was about to leave for basic training and I heard someone ask him about a girl during this movie night event. I thought this guy was cute, but I didn't even remotely see things going anywhere.

 This particular night, I wanted to watch Psych REALLY badly. (This part will be important in my next post, I promise.) Even though everyone was trying to decide what movie to watch, every time a suggestion came up, I would insert my two cents.

"Hey, should we watch this one?"

"Guys, let's watch Psych!"

"Maybe. What do we think of either of these movies?"

"No, no. We should watch Psych!"

"Hey, do you have that one movie that just came out?"

"It's not out on DVD yet. LET'S WATCH PSYCH!"

Eventually no one could make up their minds, so we watched Psych. And everyone loved it. People should really learn to listen to me the first time. :)

ANYWAY, as the night went on, Caleb and I didn't interact one-on-one very much. We mutually participated in the group discussion, but nothing really significant. As it grew later, our friends left one by one until I was the only remaining guest. And I have no explanation as to why, but I was dawdling.

HARDCORE DAWDLING.

Mostly just chatting with John, Adam, and Caleb, but I was putting on my shoes and gathering my things much slower than was necessary. It was getting pretty late, though. Maybe it was because he was tired and wanted me out, or maybe it was because he could tell I was getting more intrigued with this Caleb kid. I'm not sure why John said what he did next, but I'm happy he did.

"Hey, Caleb, why don't you walk Sairah out to her car?"

So he did.

Anticlimactic alert: Nothing happened. Ok, a hug happened. But nothing else happened. He didn't ask for my number or to see me again... nothing. I assumed it was because he was serious with this girl I had heard someone asking about earlier. So I was bummed, but I let it go. He was leaving for basic training anyway. I had already sworn to not ever get involved with military guys, so I just moved on.

 

John texts me inviting me to a going away party for this Caleb guy. He was just a week away from leaving for basic training. It was a barbeque. I wasn't about to say no to free barbeque, despite the fact that I didn't know this kid very well. So I show up and, to my surprise, Caleb is FAR more attentive this time. I noticed (after testing my theory a few times) that he was actually TRYING to be in the same room I was and interact with me. I figured that this hussy he was dating before was out of the picture.

I was WRONG.

She shows up and wants to talk, so he disappears for like a year.

Just kidding. Maybe only an hour and a half.

Anyway, I got a chance to start chatting with his younger brother, Casey. We got along really well and ended up chatting until I decided that it was time for me to go. I decided I was going to go find Caleb to say goodbye. Luckily, I didn't have to interrupt anything awkward because he was coming up the stairs right then. When I told him I was leaving, he seemed genuinely put out. But again, didn't ask for my number, didn't ask to see me again... nothing. So I went home expecting to never see this kid again.

Luckily, I was wrong about that too. :)

TO BE CONTINUED...

At the Close of the Year the World Was Supposed to End...

I'd say, "It's been a while", but that would be kind of a boring start.

Although, it is true.

So, now we're at 6 months down. These are turbulent times. But that's really how it is being the wife of a deployed soldier. Emotions all over the place. Maybe some aren't as "bipolar" as I am, but it kind of gets crazy. I know that normal wives have bad and good days, so this doesn't sound any different from a normal wife's life. However, when there's a certain level of anxiety in the back of your head at all times (again, above and beyond that of a normal wife's), it makes things a little different.

 It's hard to describe without sounding like I want to be pitied, but the point of this blog is to help others get a glimpse into what it's like being an army wife with a deployed husband. Or at least the "Sairah version" of an army wife with a deployed husband.

So here it is.

Lately, the hardest part has been when I am having a rough day and I know that the only person who can make me feel better is him. I just need him to hold me... but he's not here. That part is still a little difficult to get past. It was way worse at first- I would cry every time I missed him. Now, I really only cry when I'm having a hard day and just wish he could be here to give me a huge hug and cuddle for a while. You'd never guess (nor believe it, because I never did) that it gets better, but it has. The bad days get less bad. Less frequent. I'm happy or at least neutral more of the time.

When we hit the half way mark, it really didn't feel as glorious as I anticipated. It didn't really feel like the landmark I thought it would be. Now, the New Year... That will REALLY feel like a landmark. I will really feel like we've made progress. Only a few more months to wait after that. I feel like knowing this has helped me have more good days recently. We still have a while, but at least there's a light at the end of the tunnel now. More motivation to just push through and get it done. It gets easier as the end gets closer. 

Besides a few rough days where I've had to fight the Mood Swing Monster, I have been doing mostly well, actually. Not being in school is making time go twice as slow, so a small part of me can't wait to go back. Planning our trip has made me much cheerier as well. I'm thrilled the world didn't end, because that would have been a depressing waste of time for me.

The update on Caleb is that he has not been able to contact me as much lately due to the fact that he's out doing what he deems "the fun stuff" again. I think everyone can guess how I feel about that. But he's happier than he was before when he was cooped up in the office.

Anyway, that's what's new. This is the countdown thing I've been doing. Just seeing the majority of the "pie" as green is very happy.

 

190. That's quite a big number. Smaller than the number of days we have left, which is the most important part. Cheers.

An Attempt At Sanity

Oh man, I feel like it's been a while since I've written anything.  I have not only been busy with school, but I also have a job now working for the company my dad works for. I'm pretty sure it's just this month, but holy cow has it kept me busy. I feel like every day takes a million years to come to an end. But it's extra cash, which I can definitely use right now.

Are you ready for the real topic of today's blog?

 Ok, maybe not "suffering", but I've not been in such a good place. At least, not as good as the one I was in a little while ago. I'm pretty sure I can only stay positive for so long before I'm just ready to curl up in a ball again. Anyway, I'm just dragging a little lately. But tonight, I got into a conversation with a girl at work about the fact that I've been sad. And I guess I didn't really know the root of why I was sad, because as I was talking to her, the real reason dawned on me.

And this is what I came up with:

Caleb and I have been separated WAY more than we have ever been together. (I know you all know this, but I promise I'm going somewhere with it.) I've made it half way through this deployment, which is great. But I also realize that all the long days and lonely nights it took to get here... I'm just gonna have to do that all over again! It seems really daunting and overwhelming. Only because we were also apart for so long before that. 

Right now, I feel like our separation will never end! I know it will eventually, but separation is the only thing I really know right now. Which is so sad!! It really depresses me that the most common status of our marriage has been apart, and now I still have another 4 months of it to go! I just don't want to have to do it anymore, ya know?? I feel like I've filled my quota of time spent living without my husband. It makes me really sad that we only have a few months of real married couple time under our belts, and when he gets home, we'll have been married almost 2 years! I'm sorry, but I just feel like that isn't right.

I've been fighting and fighting and fighting this challenge every day, and I've been working quite hard at it. I feel like I'm constantly in what I call the "End of Wednesday" state. At the end of Wednesday, you've put in 3 full days of work. A lot of people go through the following thought process: "I really want to be done with work for the week, but I still have another two days. Will this week ever end??" So, just apply that to my and Caleb's separation time. I feel like I'm in the middle of the allotted time, and I've worked hard, but I feel like it will never end because I've been doing it for so long.

But what can I do about it?

Nothing.

So I should just stop complaining, right?

Probably.

I know that I shouldn't worry about things I can't change, but it constantly makes me sad. A lot of the time I'm able to push through it, but a dam can only hold back all that water for so long without cracking.

I know that none of this is new information. I guess the only new part is that I finally understand what's been bringing me down the past little while, and I felt like if I figured out what was wrong with me, I could accept it and be fine again. I am just feeling overwhelmed and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Literally, the only thing I can do is push it off to the side and try to ignore it. I'm just glad I don't have school tomorrow, because I don't think I could take it. Just wish I could take a break from everything for a while, that's all.

I just have to keep telling myself to make it through today. This picture is also helpful sometimes:

Everyday is a Battle

So, this morning was ultra, super, mega awful. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say that I cried. 

And may have gotten a ticket.

It seriously wasn't a good morning.

On top of PMSing and not hearing from Caleb for a few days, I was already having a hard time emotionally. This did not help things at all.

Think about this:

Everyone has to go through the normal hardships of daily life, but now I (and all the other wives in my unit) have to deal with them on top of going though the hardships of deployment. It really makes things that much worse.

Here's the thing, tho. I realized today that I don't have to look at these daily things as punishment or just being added to the suckiness that I'm already dealing with. This deployment makes everyday a challenge. I can either let each day defeat me, or I can defeat IT. I don't have to let everyday win. I can beat it. I don't have to let these daily challenges make me give up. 

Everyday is a battle, and I am not going to let today win.

Or the day after that.

I may get wounded every once in a while, but I won't let that stop me from fighting.

The End.

Finally Believing in Myself

The weirdest thing just happened to me. It started with deciding to make myself a cup of chocolate milk. (No, that's not the weird part. Chocolate milk is awesome.) When I went to reach for a cup, I saw my Army Wife mug. Showing here:

Isn't it beautiful??

Anyway, the point is, look at the words.

"Army Wife"

It really hit me that this is my title. That's who I am. This wave of pride came over me unexpectedly. I really felt it. I don't know how to describe it, but it was just this random epiphany that I am an Army wife. Not just any wife, an ARMY WIFE.

I've said it before: Army wives are a different breed. We go through a lot more than an average wife, and we do it with a special kind of strength and love only Army wives can understand. We are incredibly strong and even though none of us really knows how we do it, we do it anyway! Despite all the drama you may see on TV (or whatever drama happens in real life), we make significant bonds with other wives, friends, and our husbands that no one but our kind can. We kind of rock.

As most of you know, when I was younger, I NEVER wanted this. I just KNEW that I couldn't handle it. I was CERTAIN. Looking back, I wondered why that girl ever doubted herself. I didn't give my potential enough credit. I am getting stronger all the time. I don't mean to say that I enjoy having to do this, but when I saw that cup, it gave me this sense of accomplishment. I've got one of the hardest jobs in the world, and I'm not letting it ruin me or my marriage.

I'm so proud of my husband, and for once, I am really proud of myself.

 Now I'm realizing what I can do. So many people have told me to use this time to work on building myself as an individual. I never really understood what that meant, so (besides starting school) I haven't done anything that would incite that progress. In reality, this deployment has been doing it behind my back the whole time. haha

Anyway, I just wanted to share this moment of pride with you. I don't know how long it will last, but I've finally found it. I feel like that's the important part.

Cherish All The Moments

Maybe I jinxed myself after all...

So here's my problem: Today in one of my classes, one of my teachers made a comment that went something like this:

"You know that feeling when a loved one leaves you, even just for a night, and your heart just shatters?"

As a matter of fact, I know exactly what you mean, teacher. Ever since that point, I have been thinking (more than usual) about  how much I miss my husband. It kills me a little bit.

I know I've said this before, but every time one of my married friends posts a picture of them and their spouse, my heart breaks a little. I'm so jealous. That's the life *I* should have. The one where I get to see my husband every day.

I'm so proud of Caleb, but missing him hurts a lot and I sure wish I didn't have to live without him.

I still haven't broken down (knock on wood), so I guess that's... progress? A good thing, for sure. Going to bed tonight might be hard, but I'll get over it.

My friends, if you are married or have a significant other of any kind you get to see on a daily or even weekly basis, please be grateful. Please remember how lucky you are to even spend time with them. It's REALLY not easy doing this. In fact, I'd even submit that it is hard. It would make me so happy to know that those of you who have the privilege of being with the one you love are making the most of it and never taking them for granted.

I love you all, and am so glad to have you in my life. Have a great day, and cherish every moment. ♥

Maybe I'm Stronger Than I Think I Am?

Welcome back, dear friends.

First of all, I feel like I have been in school for a million years. Really it's only been a few months, but the days are SO LONG that it seems to go on forever. If I were in regular college, I don't think I could FUNCTION knowing that I had another 4 years of this. Anatomy is destroying me.I thought I had a good handle on it, but then we started muscles. After the last few lessons, I literally just want to hide in a corner and cry.

^^ That's me after my anatomy class.

LITERALLY.

Other than that, things are going pretty well. We only have school 3 days a week now! 4 days a week was getting to be a bit overwhelming. I also gave my sister the first full-body massage I've done outside school today. I'm pretty sure I did okay by school standards. It's hard to remember everything when I'm learning a million things at once. Not really stoked about clinic for that reason. And the fact that they expect us to give 5 massages straight on our first day.

Anyway, moving on to happier things. I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that Fall is approaching. For those who know me well, this may come as a shock on account of:

I hate the cold. 

No need to fret, this fact is still as true as ever. But there's something about this fall that has me yearning for it to come faster. Just think of all the amazing things that only this time of year can bring! The smell of pumpkin/citrus/spice in stores and homes, the leaves turning brilliant shades of orange and yellow, busting out adorable sweaters, wrapping up in plushy, warm blankets and snuggling up with a loved one (or a good book, your computer, or mug of hot cocoa in front of the TV, for those of us whose loved ones are far away.), going to corn mazes or shopping "villages" which have been transformed into a magical autumn wonderland... Not to mention that after my first severely uncomfortable summer in garments, I am ready for not-so-hot weather.

Of course, one of the most obvious reasons I am stoked about Fall is that it means the half way point of Caleb's deployment is almost here! Even though it will only be half over, there's something about knowing that we're halfway there that makes me stronger. 

It's like going on a hike to the top of a mountain. The hardest part is getting to the top, and you're really proud of yourself when you get there, even though you're really only half way to the end of your journey! You've still gotta climb back down, right? But we all know that the climb down is easier. I guess that's kind of how I feel. I made it though one half, and for some reason I feel like that will make the second half easier.

Speaking of the deployment, I have good news to share with you. I don't want to jinx anything, but I'm kinda proud of myself. Despite the fact that I'm PMSing a fair bit, I haven't had any hardcore sad days in a while. I'm taking this by the horns right now and totally rocking it. I know I won't stay this way forever, but I am relishing it while I can. I'm not depressed! I'm not miserable! I still hate that he's gone (and still dislike the army QUITE a bit), mind you. But I'm at a good place with the deployment, emotionally. 

Maybe it's because the halfway point is coming up.

Maybe it's because I'm in such a good mood due to Fall's arrival.

And maybe it's because I'm so consumed with hatred for my life when I'm sitting in anatomy that I've used up my quota, and I don't have any more hatred left for my day-to-day life. (Is everyone understanding how I feel about anatomy? Sometimes I don't know if I'm expressing it adequately.)

My point is that I'm turning out to be handling this a lot better than I thought I could. Maybe it's just a phase, but at least I have these peaceful times to get me by when the storm rages and I can't live without him again. I am so grateful for the strength I am finding in myself. I'm still not where I need to be, but I'm getting there- and that's the important part!

This is What Makes Me... Me

In light of the fact that this week has been a rather better week than previous weeks, I'm going to make a list of things I love and make me happy. I'll probably add to this in the future, but this is the list I came up with whilst just sitting here trying to think of everything. We all know my memory is kind of pathetic junk.

On that note, these aren't in order of importance, just in order of how they come to my mind.

☺ My husband

☺ My friends and family

☺ Mexican food

☺ Harry Potter (reading, watching, referencing, quoting, paraphernalia... anything.)

☺ Taking pictures.

☺ Juice

☺ Blankets which are of the EXTREMELY SOFT variety.

☺ Long necklaces (usually owls, because they're Caleb's minions.)
☺ Vintage anything (as expressed in an earlier post.)

☺ Buying things to decorate my house with

☺ Fedoras

☺ Fall Out Boy (and most music like unto theirs.)

☺ Wedding-related things (whether it's remembering my own, or looking over wedding stuff on the internet just for fun.)

☺ Having fun ALL THE TIME

☺ My iPhone

☺ Singing

☺ Psych

☺ Making other people happy, laugh, and/or feel cared for

☺ Speaking like a 3-yr-old

☺ Writing

☺ Musicals

☺ Observing people

☺ Not having a job

☺ Sleeping

☺ Cuddling with the love of my life

☺ CHRISTMAS

☺ Hearing that someone loves me

☺ Sweaters in the Fall

☺ Being happy

Sorry, I know it's a long list. But sometimes it does you good to remember what you're grateful for, what makes you smile, and simply what makes you who you are. What puts you in your element. It's a beautiful feeling to remember what makes you happy. 

I'm gonna challenge you guys to do this. Leave a comment here, write an entry in your own blog... whatever. Thanksgiving isn't the only time we can do this, people. 

Why not right now??

♥

Apethetic, Irritable, and Everything In Between

It's amazing how my perception of life has changed since Caleb left. Things that would usually be a big, exciting deal just don't matter. Yet, things that shouldn't bug me end up severely irritating me. For example, the olympics. A lot of people were super crazy about watching them or following them. I, however, didn't really care. I have more important things on my mind. But when someone posts something on facebook or whatever, sometimes it'll really bug me. Then, since I won't ever say anything to them it'll fester. Maybe not for very long, but it will.

Just recently, someone I know posted something about a characteristic in other people that bothered them. Or rather, the actions that came from having this characteristic. Now, I happen to know that this person has this characteristic. In fact, they have done to me the EXACT thing that they were complaining about. 

Several times, actually. I'd be willing to submit that it's one of their habits, even.

Now, to me, this seems very hypocritical. (Which I'm pretty sure it is, but whatever.) But instead of just recognizing that it's hypocritical and moving on, it REALLY bothered me! Like, to the point that it has me in a very foul mood.

This  next part is going to make me sound like a jerk (cuz I know everyone has a right to be upset about this particular thing.) but it also really bugs me when people complain about missing their husbands or the fact that their husbands have to work late. All that runs thru my mind is, "At least he's going to come home to you before next year! I'll bet he'll even be home in the next 48 hours!" 

Like I said, I understand that it's frustrating to be separated (BELIEVE ME, I really do.) but that's just the point. When someone else complains about being separated from their husband for a short amount of time, it just kinda shoves it in my face that other people get to be depressed when their spouses have to be gone for a few extra hours and MY lot in life is to be depressed cuz I have to be separated for MONTHS. 

Hateful.

In any case, I know all you other military wives out there know what I mean. I know it's not right to compare my trial with another person's. But it's a little bit difficult when I'm in the position I'm in. I feel like I'm a different species now that I'm an army wife. We're a different breed. I feel like the base amount of suckiness in my life is higher than your average newly weds. (And yes, we still count as newly weds. And we will continue to be until we get to spend at least a year straight under the same roof.)

Yes, I know this is flawed logic. Yes, I know that I should care about more things, and that less things should irritate me. I guess until I learn how to deal with this stupid thing (the deployment, of course. Not emotions.) I will just have to continue to be irritated/apathetic all the time.

Friends and Ranger School- Maybe...

So, life has been crazy for a little while. I got home and sort of adjusted. I've been in massage therapy school for two weeks now and it's pretty cool. I've made some friends, two in particular, who make it even better. I see Kayla and Steve almost every day, which is actually the best part of having started school. I mean, I know it's good that I'm in school, (and I'll admit that it's not as bad as I thought it would be.) but the fact that I've made friends that I can connect with so quickly and so well has really made it great.

The only downside to school so far is that I'm DREADING anatomy. I don't want to learn about the gross insides of the human body. If I had wanted to do that, I would be studying at a real collage to be a nurse or one of those people who dissect dead bodies.

Gross.

 Especially since Kayla has already taken anatomy twice, and I am usually the target of her distracting habits, I am almost scared that I'm going to fail. haha

My and Caleb's first anniversary came and went on the 27th of July. What I thought was going to be a miserable day of loneliness and missing my husband turned out to be great. My mom found a little SLC temple charm and gave it to me in the morning as a reminder of the happiness, rather than focusing on the emptiness. Caleb then called me and we had an amazing chat. I love that he was able to call, even though he hadn't been able to a lot that week. Goll, I love him. 

So. Freaking. Much.

(As a side note, I had this really awesome blanket made for him as an anniversary gift. I went on walmart.com and put a ton of pictures of us on it, and it was GIGANTIC. I wish I had taken a picture of it before I sent it to him. Just believe me when I say it was CRAZY AWESOME.)

Later that day, my dad took me to lunch at this little place close to his work. I loved that we got to spend that daddy-daughter time together like that. We don't get that as often as I'd like, so it was really special. Then he took me back to his work to introduce me to a girl my age he had just hired onto his team. Her name is Bethany and she is adorable. We spent the rest of the entire night chatting and laughing. She distracted me from what might have been a very difficult night. 

These little blessings mean more than I can describe to you, and there's a possibility that you won't understand unless you've been in my situation. Let it just stand to say that it is SO important and means the world to me.

I also got a calling as a Sunbeam teacher. Not much to say about that, other than that I get to hang out with a bunch of little kids every Sunday. Not the worst calling ever, but I've never taught before. According to their remarks today, I'm pretty sure that as long as I bring treats, this is going to be no sweat.

So here comes the interesting part, I suppose. I know the last two posts have been very negative, so I'm going to try and make this one not so much.

"Try" is the key word here.

I'd be lying if I said that it's gotten easier. Well, sort of. the fact that I'm with Kayla and Steve so much DEFINITELY helps. Not to mention that Caleb has made an effort to call me more, which has meant everything. But it doesn't change that he's gone of course, or that I still hate going to bed without him. So naturally, I still am running into super hard days. Not gonna lie, today was one of them. But thanks to the fact that I have such great friends and family, and the fact that Caleb is being such a great husband, the pain isn't as frequent. And that's the whole point of me coming home, really.

Altho, something we (Caleb and I) have been talking about recently has made me super unhappy. He wants to go to Ranger school after his deployment is over. That means he'd be gone for a little over two months longer than planned. Which means that the idea which has assisted me in keeping my sanity (you know, the one where I tell myself, "At least he won't be gone for a full year. It's just 9 months.") will no longer be valid. I will no longer have that to hold onto, and it's a little crushing. He says that if he's a ranger then he won't be deployed for as long (only 6 months, supposedly) and that they don't necessarily deploy more. I don't know how true that is. All I know is that it means he WILL be gone for a whole year, and this just deployment just got that much worse.

However, the one thing that gives me solace is the possibility of him only having to be deployed for 6 months. Obviously, if Sairah had her way, he wouldn't deploy at all, and we'd live happily ever after running some surf shop on a remote beach in Costa Rica. But I guess if I *HAVE* to deal with this evil, it might as well be for less time. (But let's be honest, Costa Rica is clearly the more awesome option.)

 So, friends. If you're stuck with me for almost 3 months longer than I've been telling you, blame Caleb. Another thought that just occurred to me is that this would mean 3 months less of living in Germany. I'm definitely not going to complain about that. This is sounding more and more appealing as I think about it. I'm tempted to officially give him my permission to do this. haha

Anyway, here's to you (yes, you) and the fantastic support I'm getting from everyone here at home. Thanks for putting up with me and being such wonderful friends. I love you guys.

Cheers. ♥